Mistrals and Meanderings

2009-02-16T20:55:00.000-08:00

Found this pretty African violet, that looks and smells like a rose, at a local cafe set inside a gorgeous garden center. They had every kind of citrus tree imaginable, and espaliered apple and pear trees, too. One whole section had a dozen different kinds of lavender. I might go back and pick up more of these little beauties, whose edges are limned with just a little bit of bright yellow. My friend Susan and I picked one of the rainiest days here to go sip a latté while looking out over the hills. A perfectly dark gray sky refused to yield up a rainbow, when the sun streamed against it at just the right angle, but the angles and the light were fascinating.

Today's rainstorm however, did surrender this afternoon with a lovely full rainbow, starting right outside my window. Alas, it did not sustain for long. Unfortunately, instead of bringing the usual warm, humid winds with it, this Pineapple Express jet stream went way north before coming down, catching just enough Arctic air. Brrr...

And A Side Dish of Politics...

2008-11-26T00:08:00.000-08:00

It's been a while since I have felt inspired by anything political. Whether I am jaded, or cynical, or perhaps just burnt out after living a majority of my life as a cause I needed to defend and fight for, I don't know. Maybe it's because nothing will ever again be like the late 60s, with the sit-ins, rallies, demonstrations. Perhaps it's because we have no movement leaders like Yippies Abbie Hoffman or Jerry Rubin, who I had the pleasure of meeting, along with Assata Shakur, during a demonstration at Columbia University.

The last time I was so moved, I was sitting in the Castro Theatre watching a showing of The Times of Harvey Milk, not unlike those watching the sanitized Milk movie playing there now. I haven't gotten this choked up watching video since I attended the premiere of Common Threads: Stories From the Quilt.

And yet, Keith Olbermann's recent piece on the idiotic passing of Proposition 8 here in California has stirred me. It should stir you, too.

Let the Food Feast Begin!

2008-11-23T19:06:00.000-08:00

Here's a shot of the chiles en nogada, albeit not the ones I made, since I was way too hungry and scarfed them down, after giving half of them away to starving souls here at the loft. I will totally make them again!

Serving as a springboard, to get me geared up for Thanksgiving, I've done all my food shopping, created my menu and schedule in Excel, and posted it on the fridge. Of course... I'm still adjusting the menu.

Now, I'll admit, when it comes to this dinner, I like the traditionals. I use Alton Brown's brining recipe for the turkey, make a plain stuffing with only apples as the most exotic ingredient, and indulge in that American mystery called the green bean casserole — made with Campbell's Cream of Mushroom soup and French's fried onions. There is someone who always insists on mashed potatoes (maybe I'll add a little garlic and parmesan), to go with the voluminous amounts of turkey gravy, and I must have my mother's sweet potatoes — roasted, pureed, blended with a small can of unsweetened, crushed pineapple, some unsweetened shredded coconut, a splash of orange juice, and topped with marshmallows during the last five minutes, until they get golden brown.

To that I add my cranberry-orange relish, something I learned to make during an after-school cooking class my mother sent me to, when I was eight years old. I'm sure it was to keep out of her hair, since it was during our weekly half-day. I loved it! Anyway... nothing more simple then a simple brief popping of cranberries and sugar on top of the stove, then adding some orange peel and orange juice. It's a sloppy little mess that macerates nicely, when made a few days in advance, and the sugar syrup that forms, along with the natural pectin firms it up a bit.

Normally, I'm the one making the pies... pumpkin and pecan, but this year, there are other takers doing the baking. My recipe calls for a very light mixture with orange peel and grated candied ginger, which adds a refreshing touch. I might just have to make one for myself (and to share with the neighbors) after. My pecan pie is mixed with semisweet chocolate, which I find cuts back a bit on the gloppy cloyingness that is corn syrup.

So, the others are rounding things out with their versions of the above desserts, and there's a pumpkin cheesecake coming, too (which I hope is better than the one we tasted last year!). I'm going to round it all out with a New England Indian pudding, and individual chocolate souffle cakes served with a Fleur de Sel caramel sauce.

I'm out of my mind. I'm considering an amuse-bouche mini-stack of fresh foie gras (please let me not screw up the cooking on this) and duck confit napped with a cherry-fig balsamic gastrique. I bought most of the ingredients to make caramelized balsamic onions, if I can make a dash to Whole Foods for the baby cippolines. I created this lovely appetizer involving roasting mini-sweet peppers and filling them with a mixture of goat cheese softened with a little creme fraiche and blended with some Meyer lemon zest. You get this lovely blend of warm, sweet, sour, and cool all together in your mouth.

Please stop me before I add more to my growing list!

Quickly It Turns

2008-11-17T08:29:00.000-08:00

Lovely California. One of few places in the U.S. where one week it's 80 degrees outside, and the next it barely creeps above 60 degrees. Alas, I am afraid it's definitely a sign that summer, or what we have that passes for one, is over, and autumn is here. Then again... two weeks later, we're having warm weather again.

Certainly, the advantages, when coupled with a good rainy season start-up, is the lovely green to red display the sugar maples make. And the golden yellows of the ginko trees. This kind of see-saw weather sometimes keeps the fall foliage around until as late as January. By then, if we're not in a drought season, the hillsides are greening, the acacia mimosa is in full furry fury, and spring is making an early appearance.

Autumn always makes me melancholic, while spring rejuvenates me. Either way, I love them both for their ability to stimulate the senses in ways that extreme cold and extreme hot don't.

Managing the loft community has provided a lot of challenges this year: who knew I'd have to arrange for an apiarist to remove a 3,000-bee hive off a window lintel (they're doing fine, making lots of honey), get 100 pigeons drunk (in an attempt to set up their "panic" mode and have them fly away) thanks to the stalkerish and malicious pigeon feeder, start setting up fire (and earthquake) drills, and deal with a supposed dominatrix who was more bottom than top when it came to paying her damn rent.

I just finished making chiles en nogada, a dish I have wanted to make for at least four years. Sort of a jump start to get me ready to prepare for the Thanksgiving onslaught. I make a pretty traditional, pedestrian menu, saving my creativity more for Christmas/Hanukah. I absolutely must have the dishes my mother would make on turkey day, or else... I feel deprived! So it's basic turkey, stuffing, gravy, mashed white potatoes, sweet potatoes, green bean casserole, and cranberry-orange relish for the dozen guests coming to my house!

Full Moon Madness

2008-10-15T00:44:00.000-07:00

OMG! I've found the reality TV show to end all reality TV shows. It's almost like looking at yourself looking at yourself in a mirror. I'll admit that one night I tuned in to watch Rock of Love with Bret Michaels, to see what kind of women would go on a show to get a rock star. If I didn't think the first season was a collection of bimbos and sluts, then the second season managed to find all the whores.

I find reality shows a strange study of human nature. It's much more instructive than reading Freud's case histories, or theories by Rogers and Maslow. And it's certainly a lot more entertaining than interpreting dreams in Jungian terms. I've been criticized for watching what many consider low-brow television, but there is a sense of voyeuristic appeal these shows offer, and maybe to do a little self-analization, the vicarious bad-girlness I never participated in when I was growing up. Who wants to be a goody-two-shoes all their life?

From Survivor I have learned how one copes with extreme circumstances. From Amazing Race I fulfill my desire to see parts of the world I will likely never see. Big Brother gives me insight to human nature and how one person uses strategy to successfully reach the final goal. Top Chef and Project Runway appeal to my sense of creativity, be it with color, design, or cooking.

So, what do I get from Rock of Love Charm School, headed up my Sharon Osbourne, wife of rocker Ozzy? A chance to fantasize that I am a glamorous rock 'n' roll chick, too, and being the one to slap them down, at the same time.

Best line of the show tonight: "She needs an exorcist, not charm school." I haven't laughed aloud so much in a week or so.

The Top Theory

2008-09-30T21:32:00.000-07:00

So... here's my theory about sexual tops. I've met people who claim to be sexologists, dominatrixes, masters... and yet, when it comes to conflict or confrontation in other aspects of their lives, they are bigger bottoms than I am. I don't get it. I have more chutzpa and cahones in real life situations than this sort of quasi-roleplaying sexual fantasy scenarios they engage in?

Trip to Tahoe

2008-09-15T21:14:00.000-07:00

I am not a long-distance driver. I never developed that skill when I was younger, living in New England, driving off to ski country, down to Florida, or cross-country on my vacations, like my friends. I was pretty much a home-body that didn't care to go far, until after I'd been to college and lived on my own for a while.

Also, I don't own a car. Never have. Always used the parental's cars or shared one briefly with my brother during a year I lived at my Dad's home in Maryland, between quitting Philadelphia College of Art and heading back to Boston. I've always lived in towns with exceptional public transportation, and know how to get around like a pro. I also am a believer in taxis.

I hear horror stories about break-ins and mechanical issues from friends. I have had more than one experience of car theft, including one directly my fault, when I left Jean's car parked at Fruitvale BART while I took the last train home from some event in San Francisco (and which the police found in SF a couple days later). So when people say I should buy a car, I'm all "No thanks!" -- I don't want the financial or emotional issues that come with car ownership.

Instead, I work for City CarShare and as a benefit, I get an employee credit. So, it was with these credits that I braved the wheel and the road for a 3.5 hour drive up to Tahoe. Mind you... I haven't driven since the above car was stolen, and that was about 3 years ago.

Now... the highway between Oakland and Sacramento can be called, at the best, boring. And between Sacramento and Placerville, it doesn't get much better. However, at the gold rush era town of Placerville, which was named "Hangtown" at one time, due to all the hangings, Highway 80 changes into a 2-lane road briefly. At that point, you are well into the foothills of the Sierras and the road begins to both climb, twist, and switchback. Just outside of Placerville and near Kyburz, the ponderosa pines are very evident, and the mountains surround. As you reach an elevation of 7.3K feet, the road whips around the side of a mountain and reveals Tahoe Lake off in the distance.

This was my first visit to Tahoe, and I would definitely love to spend more time there. My Dad and stepmother were in town, to visit my cousin Joel and his wife Eileen, who live in South Lake Tahoe, and are about to give up their newish home, for life on the road in an RV. The altitude just killed me for two days, while I acclimated (had the same issues in Denver and Santa Fe/Taos). At least, what with hanging out with the older generation, we drove mostly everywhere you could go, to sightsee. Truckee, Emerald Bay, North Lake Tahoe, Carson City, Donner Pass... Totally a fun trip. Much of the older towns look pretty similar to what I saw in Amador, Ione, Jackson, Calistoga -- a lot of "western" style architecture. Cowboy towns. Wild wild west.

I'd like to go back sometime, but I'll leave the driving to someone else and enjoy the ride next time.

Birthday Goodness

2008-09-15T20:50:00.000-07:00

So, after my favorite Chinese food restaurant for the last three years, began sabotaging their food with MSG, and two mornings of waking up with a pounding headache (thought the first day was a stress headache, ate the leftovers the next night, and then boom), I wasn't much in the mood for birthday celebrating on Saturday morning.

Brandy gave me until noon to see if I felt, better, which I did, but I was still not in the mood for a wild night out, or dressing up and going into the city for dinner at Plouf. Instead, I asked her if she would indulge my need to relive my childhood days of summer on the Cape and east coast. She was pretty game, so off we went.

Live and kicking in a tank, next to one full of dungeness crabs imported from Seattleish (our local crab season doesn't start for two more months), sat some Maine lobsters at the bargain rate of $11 a pound. I consider this good, because I imagine if I bought them in Boston, they would be about $8 a pound, and they are just coming off season. They're only going to get more expensive until next summer. Brandy said to grab two and I asked for 1.5-pounders. She said go bigger. Oy... we picked out two 3-pounders. That's the largest lobster I have ever had. She thought she would still be hungry, so we grabbed a crab at $5.99 per pound, too. Guess what's sitting in my fridge?

Off to Safeway to get some corn on the cob, which I boiled in the brand new stock pot she bought me for my birthday, with the lobsters, and seasoned with a parsley and chili butter. Added the obligatory oven roasted potatoes, and grabbed a loaf of sourdough for sopping up shellfish goodness in our bowls. For dessert, she insisted on chocolate silk pie, I wanted flourless chocolate cake. We got both.

Having watched either Alton Brown or Bobby Flay or someone... maybe even Anthony Bourdain, I saved the lobster heads and the coral (also called tamale) inside, and mixed it up with a stick of softened butter, so I could freeze myself some decadent lobster butter. That'll taste nice over some fresh pasta! Or work well napped over mussels... I'll use it for something.

We were sated, and happy, and both fell asleep watching "No Country for Old Men" on cable.

Stoned Again

2008-08-08T12:26:00.001-07:00

Wow, I haven't written since May? What a slacker. June of course is totally given to Pride and the annual parade I manage, so that explains why I didn't post then — also, there would be too much temptation to rant about too many people. July is recovery month from the stress of June, where I spend most of my time just lying low and keeping under the radar. Which brings us to August. Already I have started to mourn that within the next month or so, the stone fruits of summer I so love will be disappearing.

Apricots, which I wrote about last time, still hang on shockingly. I normally can't find them past June, so I'm in heaven. And the little black velvets in the photo are also available at this late date, although they are shifting more towards the plummy side than the apricot side, even if they still have a fuzzy, dull skin. The honeydew and mango nectarines with their pale flesh are still producing, too, adding the the peach and regular nectarine scene. Pineapples are so cheap this year that I've been able to slice up some fresh fruit frequently. Even the cherries haven't been bad, but what the heck is up with the price of blueberries? And why do they taste so bland?

I made Libby, who lives here in the loft community, some rhubarb and tangerine jam, after she raved about trying it at a local restaurant. Totally easy to make. Paul, also a tenant, was in the mood for tomato soup and narry a can was to be found. But, I had all the ingredients to actually make tomato soup, and with a splash of fig balsamic, a little bay leaf, and a dollop of cream cheese wisked in, it made a very lush version.

Bee Update: Apparently, the 3,000 little buggers are happily hiving away in Alameda, at the home of a fellow tenant's beekeeper friend. The report has been they are the most robust, hardest working bees of the three hives and are making honey. We'll be getting a jar when the harvest is done. Meanwhile... another hive is starting to form near Paul's window, and they look fat, fat, fat from all the pollens and nectar nearby. I'm sure our recent garden explosion in the common area has contributed, although, I don't see many bees there.

Bitter and Sweet

2008-05-20T01:05:00.000-07:00

I've had a relatively good month. Nothing to rest on, but it was enough to make me want to splurge a little on treats I normally space out during more meager times.

So first I went to Borders, picked up two books for myself, a set of "cupcake" cards for a neighbor, and two journals for two friends. Then I went to the beauty supply store next and got three pricey little tubes of conditioner and humectant for my thick and often dry hair. A small spin in Trader Joe's for a quart of ripe blackberries, a box of heritage tomatoes, some frozen waffles and pancakes as breakfast treats, some dried mango slices, and imported Italian pesto gnocchi.

Last was a lengthy Safeway trip, where I jinxed myself, sort of, by deciding not to do a full shop, since I was coming and going via cab, but limited myself to one of their new sandwiches, some deli meats, dark rye bread, half and half, whipping cream, gourmet cream cheese, marscapone, ladyfingers, Ghiradelli ground sweet chocolate (because all I have is unsweetened in the house), 2 pounds of regular and "black velvet" apricots (in photo above), paper towels, and butter.

All in all, a venture of almost $200... stolen out from under my nose! I'd gone outside to sit at the large tables where you can snack or wait for a cab, and waited... and waited. The first cab company apparently had two drivers that took my call and then blew me off. Now, if I was a mean person and lousy tipper, I'd sort of figure I had it coming. But I'm a "regular rider" in their system and I tip 20 percent or more. They suggested I call another company, so I did. That driver called me back to say he'd be there in two minutes. I put the cell phone away, looked down at my book, read half a page, looked up, and my shopping cart was gone. Gone.

Now, it's mostly my fault. I had moved over to the next table because a truck was blocking my view of the mall egress, so I couldn't see the cab when it arrived. But the cart was only 7 feet away and had already been sitting there, with me, for an hour. Safeway's security was useless... they only work inside the front door, not watch at the door from outside. And their personnel was less than concerned about my frantic panic, because they took their damn time getting a manager over to me and then the manager took like five minutes to call mall security. And then mall security took 5 minutes to show up. So we're talking I had to wait 15 minutes to basically get some help trying to find my cart. Which by now was even more gone than it was before.

No offer to reimburse me. VISA won't repay my debits, since it was a check card. I'd have to claim on my homeowner's insurance... which I'm not even sure would cover something like this. "Hi, I'm calling to report a theft of a shopping cart that included everything I needed to make tiramisu from scratch." Oh, and if I want to examine any video tapes, if there is one, to see if we can even figure out who took the cart and where they went, I'd have to file a report first with the police. And then hope the film isn't grainy, I guess.

Anyway... hey you, thief... I hope you were really disappointed when you opened the bags and found hair cream, nonsense gifts, and a lot of fruit and high end frou frou stuff! No steaks, no staples, no 10 pounds of potatoes! Enjoy trying to figure out what the heck you can do with all those ingredients!

What's The Buzz?

2008-04-27T22:24:00.001-07:00

You know, as many of my friends have always said, when I fill them in on the latest chapter of my life... I should write a book because you just can't make this stuff up.

As some of you faithful readers might know, I'm the building manager at my loft community, after the previous jackass quit in a fit of pique over personal issues with the property manager. I volunteered, somewhat, to step in as the new liaison, with goals in mind to improve communication with the property manager and rebuild the community that was alienated by the passive-aggressive actions of previous personnel.

Anyway... this spring, we've been enjoying a very high honeybee swarm, due to the unseasonably sunny, warm weather during March and April, which would normally be mostly part of rainy season. We've seen the bees here before, they love to hide in the tiny holes in the lintels over each window, but there isn't enough space to set up shop. Eventually, they go their way or cease swarming and just become a minor annoyance.

On Friday night, I opened up my email to find a shot from the tenant from their window in what I thought was a shot of a hole near the top of the sash where they thought random bees were getting in, and what looked like a plant clinging and crawling along the lintel. Never mind there is no way a plant could do so... the resolution was just that indistinct. The email didn't say... OMG! There's a horde of bees outside! So I was like... huh. Interesting how they got that plant up there. Then, the next photo I saw in another email from a different tenant, the detail this time was much sharper. Holy moly...

Now, wild honeybees are facing extinction, and without them, we're facing an apocalyptic future. It's not just that the cost of honey would rise, but that the whole cycle of pollination, which aids the growth of much of our produce, would be jeopardized. So extermination wasn't an answer. Time to call in the experts.

Thanks to Google, the Blog for the Alameda County Beekeeper's Association popped up, and I was able to get some contact information, then a referral, for a local person willing to help us with the extraction. One of our tenants owns three "bucket" trucks, making access to the football-sized hive pretty easy, and then in about 30 minutes or less, 3,000 wild honey bees had a new temporary home and were on their way to a permanent hive in the backyard apiary of a local beekeeper.

I hope they live happily to pollinate lots of fig and Meyer lemon trees, jasmine and roses, and some local apples and cherry orchards! Who knew that becoming building manager would mean I'd have to keep the number for a beekeeper in my Rolodex.

10 Hours of Hell

2008-03-31T18:19:00.000-07:00

Hell's Kitchen, that is. I can't believe I sat on my ass all day Saturday... or was it just yesterday... and watched the whole third season. You see, I needed to make sure I was all caught up for the start of Season Four beginning tomorrow.

For the next few weeks, Meyer lemons might still be in season, then they disappear again until about September or so. I'm trying to buy up as many as I can reasonably keep without finding little green-molded balls in my fruit bowl. Those I bought at Trader Joe's have this lovely, almost-orange hue, a very dark yellow. Oddly though, the lemons off my friend Susan's brother's tree are still pale and sunny like Eurekas.

Devilish Delights

2008-02-27T09:25:00.001-08:00

Invited to dinner by two tenants who appreciated the time I put into making sure they got dibs on just the right suite for them, we feasted on lamb shanks with parsnips sprinkled with a gremolade that was just the right combination of a winter and spring dish! A bit of tasty young greens salad with a lovely dressing and a glass of light chardonnay started the meal, which I closed with my chocolate mousse-filled phyllo cups. Though milk chocolate in hue, the taste was definitely dark, rich chocolate lightened only by air. Ripe raspberries adding a nice acidic note as a foil, and I topped it all off with whipped cream barely sweetened with my lavender sugar. Tucked into a cup of crispy phyllo dusted with a sprinkling of sugar and finely chopped toasted hazelnuts between each paper-thin layers, I do believe it was a hit!

Cornucopia

2008-02-12T17:44:00.001-08:00

Rainbow carrots! The dark one is a deep reddish purple. So far, they all taste the same, maybe a touch milder. I also bought about three Meyer lemons and they are huge... huge I say! Almost as big as my fist. Indulged in my favorite bars of chocolate, since I can't make it into the City for a stop at Recchiuti, and got three Dagobas -- the ones with cherries, chiles, and lavender -- not altogether, of course. And one Seeds of Change bar, as I like their packaging. It's the designer in me!

The depression from my hard drive crash is fading, my mood is lifting (must be the antioxidants) and I am feeling more hopeful, and I'm getting a new set of Adobe CS3 disks to replace the hosed applications on my backup external. Mercury goes direct in 5 days!

Mercurial Madness

2008-02-09T22:33:00.000-08:00

And not of the lighthearted sort. Thanks to Mercury going retrograde, my life has taken a few more twists and turns than I had bargained for at this time of the year. Just as everything was going well, and work had picked up to the point where I thought I could be comfortable, both my major projects have come to a screeching halt... one moving in a totally different direction, one going out of business. Not that we didn't see that one coming. Of course, they owe me, and many other people money. I got some new projects, which really have much better potential, and just as I was feeling great about them... BOOM. Thanks Mercury!

Did you have to corrupt my hard drive? Did you have to do it before I learned about cloning hard drives? Did you have to do it when the software disks I need to fix the corrupted graphics files are now part of property being sold off for creditors? Did you have to do it just as I got new clients, so now I have to scramble to reinstall the software?

January's Already Half Over?

2008-01-15T11:24:00.000-08:00

I don't like that time feels like it passes quickly now, probably because I think the remaining quarter or less of my life will come to an end too soon. Plus, I'm mildly thanatophobic, to boot. Even briefly thinking about the possibility of my demise can send me into a full-on panic attack. I'm not ready to stop living, I'm not ready to get to a point where living in this body becomes uncomfortable. So it was with a little bit of trepidation that I went to see The Bucket List with Adele last Friday.

The draw was too irresistible. In addition to getting a ride to my eyeglasses place, where they could fix the missing nose guard for free, forever, there was also a chance to browse through Borders, get a latte at Starbucks, and peruse the goodies at The Teacake Bakeshop. And then there was Jack Nicholson and Morgan Freeman — the perfect corrupt bad boy and moral good boy combination. The subject matter... somewhat wistful. How many of us have written up a list of things we wanted to do before we die? Nowadays, I just make a list of things I want to try to cook before during the coming year. Either I'm managing my goals better, or I'm in denial that I am mortal.

Without creating a spoiler, all I can say is that the film in entertaining, there's some amusing parts, and moments that made me well up with tears. As someone once commented about the movie Pay It Forward, and applies here, it's an emotion manipulator.

Afterwards, we went to grab some fresh dungeness crabs at the local seafood market, and I spent an outrageous $16 on chocolate bars—one with bacon and smoked sea salt, one with chipotle chiles and Ceylon cinnamon. The latter combination I am used to, as I make my hot chocolate with those ingredients already. The former... let me just say that chocolate and salt together anytime is good (chocolate-covered pretzels, fleur de sel caramels), but I've come to the conclusion that anything you enrobe in chocolate is fine, too — and that includes bacon.

Happy Holidays

2007-12-21T19:57:00.001-08:00

Saw Johnny Depp in Sweeney Todd today. What an excellent movie! Another role that fits him like a glove. I saw the play in 1979, with Angela Lansbury and Len Cariou, in Boston just before it went on to Broadway, and I recall very little about the show, aside from Angela being awesome. It's a bit gorey, which I hadn't expected. I don't know why, given Tim Burton's involvement, but nonetheless, it didn't overly detract from the film. There's just an "ew" moment or two that caused me to flinch and hide my eyes.

Afterward, Adele and I wandered around the mall, both enjoying the Christmas commercialism and hating the bustle. A quick zip into Barnes & Noble scored me the soundtrack to the above movie. A trip down Bay Street yeilded crystalized ginger chips and sanding sugar from William-Sonoma, for my Meyer lemon and ginger scones. The Bath & Body shop was selling four for three body lotions, so I scooped up the grapefruit-scented one for free, on Adele's purchases! A pause at Harry & David got us a pastry, apple, and cranberry enrobed brie for Christmas appetizers. Then, a snooping at the Teacake Bakery gifted Adele with a big chocolate, marshmallowy buttercream filled "Whoopie" pie, and the gingerbread cupcake in the photograph above.

I couldn't help singing to all the carols and music piped into all the shops...

Catching Up

2007-12-14T11:01:00.000-08:00

My friend Susan, and fellow community resident here at the lofts, gave me this beautiful birds nest with glass berries as a Christmas present. Actually Hanukah, even though Hanukah is now over. I couldn't find my freaking menorah this year, and I couldn't find a box of candles in Berkeley. And now I can't find my box of Christmas lights and ornaments! I wonder if the Goddess is just suggesting I skip it all this year, especially since I have like NO money.

Regardless, I love gifts like this, that are put together with love and care. It's currently got the place of honor on the mantle of my faux fireplace in the hallway, where all my other little trinkets are — the Día de los Muertos black sugar skulls, the painted tin corazón, my collection of crystals, some shells and feathers...

Lordess help me... I currently am listening to, and liking, a Céline Dion tune. I'm appalled.

Sweet Treats

2007-09-25T13:00:00.000-07:00

A bunch of the Virgos in the loft community here have gotten together to celebrate en masse, but a few of us are gifting each other with little tokens. Pardon my semi-selfishness, but I treated myself to three little boxes from Cocabella in the Westfield Mall downtown, and then got one each for Adele and Susan. Before I could part or indulge with any of them, I had to take this photograph. Yes, the colors are real. That is a lavender spiraled tower, and a glossy dark red swirl. I can't even recall all the flavors I got... chocolate spiced with cayenne, lavender, rosemary; filled with marzipan, hazelnut, pinot noir truffle.

You can check out some of the designs to detect their flavors at http://www.cocoabella.com/index2.php -- although, not every one pictured in my photo is in their "build your own box" shop.

Someone Needs 5150ing...

2007-07-21T18:33:00.000-07:00

All I can say is... when you create false situations, harass others, act in a childish and psychotic manner, call the police to complain about "ninjas", and other odd things, and think you're being persecuted by all around you... maybe you need a 72-hour vacation from life.

Better yet... continue to spoof my cell phone number, you major malfunction. You do realize the person you are calling can verify you did this, my phone records will show I did not place the call, and a subpoena to access your records can be obtained in a complaint about identity theft.

Isn't one on-going lawsuit against you enough? How is that going by the way?

UPDATE: 12/01/2007 — He's moved out. The whole community breathed a sigh of relief that the drama is now over.

Drama, lies, and cheaters

2007-07-08T00:30:00.000-07:00

July 4th was a fun day and all the members of the loft community that participated were having a good time, that is, until the situations with the psychotic ex-building manager still living in our community kept escalating, much to both the amusement and concern of the other residents. Recently he's been bemoaning that we're all persecuting him, by, among other things, using the freight elevator to move items and furniture in and out.

Now, even if it was in constant use, I might say he could have a point, considering it backs up to his unit. But it really seldom sees more than one or two brief uses a day EXCEPT when folks are moving in or out, which they are at this time of month. The thing is, he totally knew what he was getting into when he moved in, and has had any number of chances to move out and into another unit -- one with equitable space and views. The guy just continues to do things that cause him to lose more and more credibility.

Like attempting to tell people when they can and cannot use the elevator, including jimmying the gate up so the security latches lock it down, forcing people to come up and shut the gate. He's also gone off on them like a deranged person, allegedly taking a swing at one of the newer tenants who refused to stop using the freight elevator. He also tried to accuse me of unlocking the roof door and inviting people up on it... good thing I'd spotted that someone had opened it the other day, in preparation for July 4th, and reported it to the landlord. Not that the owner would believe I'd ever risk the liability.

One More Attempt

2007-03-13T12:36:00.000-07:00

To rid myself of the spectre of ex-lover's past -- and put an end to my repetitive, disquieting dreams. Some consider the fact that I still have dreams about them a sign I never resolved things with them. How could I? I moved on, surely, but without the ability to actually face them.

Laurie maintained that I corrupted her and was the dominant one in the relationship -- laughable since my secret is that although I put up a very strong front at times, I can be a total submissive. And she was the one who kept breaking up with me and then pulling me back in, until the very last time, when I saw through her games. The push me--pull me of the relationship finally just numbed me and then it was over.

Eric was just a liar, a poor communicator, and a coward. How do you resolve things with someone like that when they won't talk to you about what is bothering them, and hides the truth? Then, decides it is better to simply stop calling you until you ask them what the deal is, and even then, chicken out on telling the truth. I made it so easy for you, Eric, to simply say it was over. I make it easy for everyone I'm involved with, because people are too afraid to be honest and think they'll only hurt you. News flash, folks, not telling someone the truth and having them ask you about it, only to have you admit it is more painful... and then we're back to liars again!

Maybe I should have told Eric we could have a friendship, but he'd violated way too much of my trust to be worthy of anything emotionally that I have to give.

And I have a lot to give/offer someone, if they're an honest and upright person. Unconditional love and support. Supportiveness emotionally and intellectually. Well-versed on a wide array of topics and pretty darn intelligent. Kind and caring. Thoughtful and indulging. Honest and trustworthy. I've never said no to sex with a partner... ever. Never said I didn't feel well or had a headache to get out of it. Been the aggressor/initiator plenty of times, and enjoyed it when others took the more dominant role. Open to experimentation, learning... experiencing.

I'm also a fabulous cook.

Any guy (or gal) in their right mind (and maybe that's a key point) would consider me a rare treasure, a real find. I don't put any pressure on them for anything they haven't already offered, so if they change their mind or the rules they set up, that's all the more reason they need to be honest, clear communicators. Unlike other (and some younger women), I don't play games or manipulate. I won't make them guess, when I can just be open and tell them. I won't lie or cheat on them. I will give them all my affection, though, and make them happy. But then... people have to WANT to be happy. I can't be involved with someone who prefers a life of drama.

My friend's all tell me, despite the fact that I insist that my lumpy frame is not what anyone would want, that I am cute and awesome. So do people find it hard to deal with the anomaly of me and prefer to date the vapid, blank, hard-bodies who they'll just break up with a few months down the road, when they could take a chance on a true happiness? I'd rather have a year or two with someone I could grow with, than several months with someone I end up growing apart and running away from.

Laurie, I hope you found someone to love. Being abused when you were young and allowing that abuse to continue into adulthood and extend to your firstborn, was not a good thing. You mentioned the last time we chatted that you were in therapy to deal with it. I hope you continued. And I hope that one day you can also see that you were the initiator and controller in our relationship. I didn't corrupt you or control you. You played mind and emotional games with me, always offering, but never giving. For a while that taught me to be selfish with what I have to offer, until I met BJean.

BJean, I'll never quite understand why, given our wild chemistry, that you never wanted to become live-in lovers, although you always cheated on people with me and had clandestine trysts. If I was good enough for that, and good enough for you to actually call me a lover when you were making amends, the only reason why I can think you hesitated is because I was not of the deaf world and you feared that might make being a couple rough. That I can actually understand and appreciate. And it would have been a lot clearer than making love to me one night, and telling me we had to stop the next.

Eric, you were a good person when we started, but honestly... You were a better person when we split and your current girlfriend/wife has A LOT to thank me for! I opened you up to new things and showed you a world beyond W. Orange, NJ. By taking an interest in things I liked, you expanded your universe three-fold. Instead of being the self-centered frat boy I first met, you left a man with a broader perspective of life and diversity. You learned to be an good cook, and found that life extended beyond WWF and foozball. If you could have only been a bit more decisive and taken a more dominant role in our relationship...

This also goes to you making decisions, by yourself -- about us, instead of considering what I might have to say about things. Like being told I might not want a future with you because you don't think I want X or Y in the relationship. PLEASE... future lovers... DON'T MAKE THE DECISION FOR ME. Ask me. Talk to me. I'm interested in learning and you might find out I want exactly what you think I don't!

I'm sorry if this all sounds horribly bitter. The dreams are nothing short of frustrating, and the revelation that I deserve to have someone in my life, someone who can make me happy, has given me a fire inside.

There are advantages to being with someone of my years than someone closer to your own age, you younger men out there. I'm more willing to try or do anything, as long as the honesty and trust is there, and we care about each other. Chew on that one for a bit.

UPDATE: Since posting this, I have not had one dream about a past lover. Additionally, none have called up to apologize either, but, I can live with that. Probably better than they do. Garbage out, as they say.

Too Trusting

2007-03-05T05:11:00.000-08:00

That's the conclusion I've come to about myself. I trust too easily and too willingly believe what people say, when my brain starts screaming warnings. I wouldn't say I float through life with an innocence and naivete, but I do not always move with caution. I guess if I did, I would have experienced a lot less heartbreak and angst in life, so I've pretty much accepted that I'll always be the one fooled instead of the foolmaker. It's sort of more my nature to be the kind one, anyway.

I've lived that way for many years, and I find it slightly ironic that in some matters, when the red flags go up in situations with other people, I'm quick to react... as in, I warn them of what I see or why I might hesitate, if I were them. My own red flags could be snapping frantically in the wind, right next to my ear, and shamefully I would pay no heed until too late. I feel sympathetically horrible when I've totally called how someone might react or what they might do or what they expected, and then they just prove themselves to be cruel to others in just the way I predicted. But, you know, I can't control or fix or save everyone, nor should I try. I should just keep my efforts to saving myself.

Then there are the people that have tried to take advantage of my assumed lack of awareness, as I can play the airhead pretty well. I recall once, when I was about 11, I went to work with my father. For lunch we went out with a co-worker and they talked mainly about business. I was quiet but, I was definitely paying attention even if my eyes were focused elsewhere. The co-worker remarked on that... told my father that I was a discreet observer and took in everything. And then I proved it by repeating back their conversation.

People think their little stretchings of truth will go unnoticed with me, some have even dared to try to make me believe that perhaps I'm the one who heard things wrong and misunderstood. While I may not always seem totally attentive when talking with folks, what they don't know is that when it comes to matters that are important to me, or things that require special planning or working into my schedule, I know exactly what was said -- I've already replayed it tens of times in my head.

I've often been able to repeat it verbatim weeks down the road, too -- using exactly the words they said. I'm astonished when people will insist I heard them wrong. I know I didn't. So I repeat their words back to them. While I might sometimes miss a joke, a comment, a name, a phone number... what I don't miss is exactly what was said, and how it was said, if it's about something that matters. And sadly, all that does is breed distrust.

Enough!

2007-02-24T06:33:00.002-08:00

Christ, yet another "ex" dream this morning, and still the same crap. It just parallels the bad side of what was our relationship. Nothing good about the relationship is really remembered, which makes me wonder... Was any of it ever really good? If there was no communication, no fidelity, and a lack of honesty, (on his part) what was real and good about the relationship?

Again Eric invades my dreams. It starts with me running around town, shopping for something special, for me... for us... for something happening soon... because, damn it, that's just the way I am -- true to character. I go out of my way to plan and make something nice and pleasing. The town I walk around in is never someplace I recognize. It's always tall buidlings, and it's either always gray and threatening to rain or just feels like the beginning of dusk. It's more Manhattan than Boston or Philadelphia or Washington DC or San Francisco... or some of the other 20+ cities I have visited. But still, it's not New York. And one building had three main points that either take you to (I don't know how) or represented parts of Alaska, but one was the northernmost part of the state, one was the southernern most, and who knows about the third. And yeah, you'd get off the elevator and be there, but that's another whole side thing. In the dream I never go to the destinations. This is beginning to sound, oddly, like text book Freudian. (More about my dislike of Freudian therapists later.)

Anyway, I'm riding up and down the elevator... okay, this symbolic stuff is beginning to crack me up... I'm running from here to there, all excited, and Eric calls me up on my cell phone. We chat for a bit and it's apparent we've had another miscommunication about our plans. This was pretty typical in our relationship, too, so the fact it occurs in our dreams is no shocker. We would agree what train and what stop I would take, to meet up so I could get a ride home, and either I was so into my work that I misunderstood, or the info would fly out of his distracted brain and he'd just remember what he wanted to. So I'd be standing at the South San Francisco station at 7:30 pm, in the dark and rain, and he'd be so busy on the computer flirting with Amanda or Carol, or talking with them on phone instead of answering my bazillion "Where are you?" calls, that I'd wind up taking a cab home.

Sorry, derailed there from that dream again... so he blurts out that I can meet him for dinner at this place, with his new girlfriend. WTF? New girlfriend? Before he's even told the old one he's been living with that they should break up? Okay, talking about this makes me see the parallels. I stand there on the street, trying to be brave and nonchalant. Trying to keep that snarky, hurt tone in my voice and trash him for how he's been disrespectful to me and a coward, instead of doing the girly cry thing. And then... I fail. I start to cry and within seconds I'm in full-blown, rib cage-wracking sobs and people are walking past me on the street. Way past my crouched figure near the curb crying my heart out.

Then, like an ass, I've agreed to meet them for dinner! WTF again? Am I really that much of a masochist? Now, instead of the dream being just funny and ludicrous, it's just... stupid and annoying. I go to the restaurant and they aren't there... they're someplace else. I did NOT misunderstand where to meet. But, I do see some interesting little soup or appetizers bowls made out of lemon-grassed rice... sort of free form on the outside with a cup bottom-shaped indent in the center for soup or snack. I make a lucid mental note that this would look fascinating at my next dinner party, in my non-dream world. Always the designer, the artist, the hostess, the chef!

It's now night and I'm going to their new apartment. Why am I doing this? Ironically, though I think the dream is in color, I and everyone else are dressed in black. At least I have a sexy black lace dress on and I look hot in it. Hey... it's my dream, remember? I enter the place, but I don't see them, then I exit for a moment and come back. Someone is looking in the window... the apartment is a storefront. Those of you with dream symbology and analyzing skills must be having a field day! I'm glad I can provide entertainment! I snap at the person looking in and ask them if it's their place or are they just being nosy, and they say no and leave.

At this point, I wake myself up because, I'm just done with this dream. I wake up and get out of my nice, warm bed grudgingly, because to lie there and tempt sleep more, and continue the dream, is not an option I want to take. So I do the one thing I know will make me happy instead... I go downstairs and pad in my bare feet along the warm, worn maple floors, over to the living room loft windows and watch the sunrise. Even though the blanket of clouds is low, it rises high enough above the horizon line to allow for a beautiful play of colors as the sun begins its climb.

And... Chris is there, already awake, finding me as the tendrils of the dream begin to recede.

Disturbing Dreams

2007-02-10T00:29:00.000-08:00

I was telling Chris about my recent most disturbing dream. Actually, the dream in and of itself wasn't that bad... it was my mood upon waking and that it's a dream about my ex's Eric and/or Laurie. Why? I consider them resolution dreams, but... what am I resolving? I let go of Laurie a long time ago, after years of mind games and game-playing with my emotions. And Eric... I got over feeling angry when I thought of him.

So why... why did I have this dream the other night? It's not near any important date or event... what do I need to resolve, Goddess? Could you not find a BETTER way to illustrate than giving me dreams where I keep experiencing the negative things about the relationships? Trust me... I'm over them!

Goddess, I swear, I have better self esteem! I might not be a top model, and as Elle Woods would say, "...she's not completely unfortunate looking." I think I have a good personality. I know I'm a lover who is giving, game, and good! I like to keep my partner happy and please them. I live to serve... oh wait, that's what my character in GemStone IV says.

Please... can these dreams stop now? I know they're rare, but... could they just stop altogether? Please? I'd like some dreams about the more generous and loving people in my life, thanks!

Relationships Redux

2007-02-02T14:51:00.000-08:00

Brandy, who you have read about here before, and I have some pretty great conversations. Now that the drama of her living situation and life no longer cloud everything, including our friendship, we've spent a lot of time talking about our choices in the last year or so.

One of the biggest revelations for her has been to put her primary relationship into perspective. Primary, because although he's married, she focused her main energies on him, which wasn't really leaving her open for new opportunites, or the chance to really be happy with someone else that would give her a relationship that wasn't built on clandestine meetings, half-truths, and manipulations. Instead, she's felt like she's a bit disrepected and holds the runner-up position in his life.

I'd thought it was finally over, because she up and ended it the day after Christmas -- a decision she made when she finally realized that she wasn't special enough to him to be... special. I was shocked when she told me. Years of this struggle internally and suddenly she turned a corner! But her resolve hasn't completely lasted. He called, cried, apologized, wooed... and back she is again. I sighed heavily when she told me they were rendezvousing next week, which is what prompted our conversation tonight.

We had a good get-together over some dinner, a perfect foil to muse and ponder why she is settling for being second best, and why it isn't preferable to be first in someone's life. What keeps her from ending it and taking that risk with someone else? Ironically, this seems to be a popular theme this month. I need almost two hands to count the number of people currrently involved in relationships that are not reciprocal.

She talked about them being possible soulmates, having a connection that has grown over the years, even though perhaps they've only been together a half a dozen or so times. But he's told her he's not leaving his wife, that he loves his wife and they have a life together. And so, she's caught in this cyclic dance where their relationship is this off and on again thing, and each time she comes away a little more hurt and wishing for something more. It's hard to stand by and watch this, and after a point I feel I can say no more... she has to find her strength, and she has to make the best decision for her.

Recently he's rather insensitively told her about his other exploits, under the guise of saying, hey, without the confidence you've given me with your love and adulation, making me feel all young and sexy, I would never have had the courage to do this or that [sexually]. She was a bit taken aback. I think disgusted, too, when she learned some of the details.

But... back she goes and I can only hope she's building a stronger shield around her heart this time.

And me? Well, recent events have left me open to opportunity and a desire to explore, and yes, that even includes a new willingness to try some [sexual] experimentation I wasn't ready for before.

Am I?

2007-01-30T23:40:00.000-08:00

Heh. So Babs posted a comment about me being a romantic. Yes... my secret is out, I am a romantic! Hopefully, I'm also a realist. I'm the kind of woman who remembers details about lover. I might not remember that he told me something about his job yesterday, because I'm more focused on how he is saying it, so I can sense his moods and needs. And then later, I can offer him something to help balance out his day, relax him, bring him peace and happiness.

I know his favorite color, movie, dinner, book, music... and everything I hope will make for treating him with a luxury he deserves. It's more about what he needs than what I need -- as it always has been when I've given my heart -- because my experience is that when you give, you receive.

What Do I Know?

2007-01-26T06:48:00.000-08:00

Well, I think that I know all relationships are work. I don't believe you fall in love and that magical feeling of limerence will last forever, but I have friends that do and are either naiive or foolish in their thinking. I know some people blindly believe that true love will result in an effortless companionship that is perfectly in sync all the time. That's a nice fantasy! It happens in movies and books all the time. Unfortunately, it's also pap passed down to a society eager to believe it.

As a result, they're unhappy with themselves and with others, and begin to imagine, compare, or reminisce about what might have been or could be instead of investing in what is. If in a relationship, they fail to make something that they once felt was worthwhile into something more precious, or simply give up, because of this unrealistic view and often end up commiting some disrespectful act that hurts the very people they claim to care about. They give up a rare coin for a chance at what might be nothing more than a chest of fool's gold, which is sad.

I don't know what to tell them that they'll be able to hear, when the sad and/or tearful calls come in. They're convinced something is missing... well, yes there is. Effort. Communication. Patience. Understanding. Committment. As a friend, it's difficult to watch someone you care about turn away from someone they said they loved, superficially filling the holes with someone else or moving onto the next flirtation and objet de coeur -- to get their needs met. They are doomed to repeat this pattern like the repairing of karma in future incarnations, until they learn... and lose.

Then there are people like me. Willing to trust so easily, giving from the first spark, caring, supportive, and attentive. The work to maintain a relationship is neither a scary or insurmountable task. We expect there will be good, and bad, times and accept our responsibility and role in that. We hope we're wise enough to know when to give our lovers the space they need, and when not to withdraw so much that they feel you've abandoned them. We'll take your dark, bad moods and try to make them sunny, or just let you stew... as long as you communicate if it's something we've said or done, or not, so patience and understanding is key.

What do people like me expect in return? Well, aside from intimacy, we just want to make you smile, and for you to make us smile in return. Laughter and light whenever possible -- the bad times are a given and hopefully rare. Never having to ask if you care about or love us. To be your first thought in the morning and last thought at night... and sometimes in between.

How I thrill when my phone rings when you're just getting started with your day in the morning, and warm to hear your voice at the end of the night.

This is for Jean...

2007-01-23T08:45:00.000-08:00

One of those online quizzes I knew that she and I would fall into giggles about:

You Should Paint Your Room Purple

Sophisticated and exotic, purple can also be a deeply comforting color.
Your purple room will inspire you to trust yourself more and go with your intuition.
Purple has also been known to facilitate healing and a feeling of protection.

What Color Should You Paint Your Room?

Also, she knows I can get obsessive about things, well, when Kathy told me she might look for a job down San Diego way, I was looking through the housing ads on Craig's List. I found the only house within 1,000 miles that had a purple-painted fireplace.

Revelation

2007-01-22T09:00:00.000-08:00

For those who have been following my posts, here and on my Myspace, it's probably pretty apparent that I recently met someone, quite by surprise, more than a month ago, and I've embarked down that twisty path that might lead to a relationship. Some of you know that after the ultimate betrayal, disrespect, and lies I experienced with Eric, I swore it would likely be a cold day in hell before I took this trip again. I didn't mean it, but... it's what you say, you know.

Well, it looks like I bought a ticket. Question is... is it a one-way or roundtrip? Not knowing the destination can be scary, or it can be an adventure. The latter has always been my style -- traveling to the Yucatan alone, knowing only five words in Spanish, and to some of the more remote sections of the peninsula. Exploring New Mexico, Native American pueblos, and Anasazi ruins by myself, with just a rental car and a well-marked map. Breaking away at conferences to walk around in towns I've never visited. I like to see what's new. Apparently that carries through with people.

Though the adventure began in December, the previous weekend we explored it further. Chris and I share so much in common that sometimes it's freakily uncanny. Of course, both having been hurt by ex-loves in similar ways gives us an immediate common ground, and hopefully it's a lesson we've both learned that is not to be repeated. Both of us having been involved with people who have lied and disrespected us, as well as themselves (and their current partners) makes us wary. But we're also very loving and trusting too.

Our likes and dislikes criss-cross like meridians intersecting at key points. I'm surprised with the ease I find in our talking and being together, his voice a soothing balm for my frazzled days and sweet lullabye for my nights. And damn if we don't fit so well together when making love that I could not stop from remarking, very often, how right it felt... so different than with those in my past.

A small voice inside whispers loudly, "Too soon, too soon..." while another urges me to be open to possibilities and take a chance. All I can do is put my faith and trust in that which guides me, and not let my concerns block me. Or the lies and selfish actions of others who, for their own motives, would wish us unhappiness.

It's been nice to feel awake again, to physically and mentally stretch as though a long slumber has ended. To feel a blossoming like the desert after a monsoon.

Vegas, baby!

2007-01-09T16:51:00.000-08:00

But not the way I like it! Press runs at odd hours, however, at least the hotel room is free, whee! Looking forward to the change of scenery though, but after the last two deadlines, frankly, I could use a couple of days and nights up at a spa in Napa or at a coastal retreat in Laguna Nigel.

What is With People Lately?

2007-01-03T12:59:00.000-08:00

The sheer amount of people I've encountered in the last two years that have some odd sense of self-importance and self-entitlement -- at least from what they spew forth -- is almost staggering. Where do these people get these ideas? Okay, for some I know it's drugs, or some kind of mental imbalance, or both... and for some it's just self esteem so low, it's below sea level. But why take others down just because you're the one that feels hurt, abused, lied to and deceived, etc.? I've never understood people who put out the "take my ball and go home attitude" -- I've always left with an open heart and willingness to share. Karmically, if just doesn't pay to be selfish.

Also... ick. Brandy's cat, Saturn, just started to wheeze and keeled over, with no precursors. She called me hysterically and I ran over to tend to her and the situation, pacing and waiting for a cab because no one was around to offer a ride at that hour. By the time I got to her door, which actually wound up only being about 10 minutes, the cat was totally still and rag doll limp -- and she was a mess. Ugh. Had to body bag it for Animal Care and Control and put it in the carrier for her to take in... and put the carrier in the car trunk so she didn't have to stare at it all night. Then scrubbed and mopped the floor, packed up all the toys and supplies, which I brought home with me. What a sad day.

At least I had a warm, soft voice to end my day with pleasant dreams.

Back That Up A Bit...

2006-12-30T17:00:00.000-08:00

Well... so much for my three weeks of bliss. Reality has a nasty habit of bringing you back to earth.

Back to looking for a new roommate again, or take on some more projects to add 50% additional income in 2007, so I can live alone in more space than one person needs.

It would be pretty awesome, in the sense that I could have a full on dining/gaming area for huge parties of people, and a living room suite that doubles as a private aerie-like guest room. I could also have some... privacy, which might come in pretty handy in the near future.

Ah well... that thrilling, fantasy high was certainly sweet when I didn't have to worry about anything else! Such a lovely distraction. Back to the grindstone.

Do me a favor, my love... don't let me forget to have fun.

Merry Christmas to Me!

2006-12-24T10:19:00.000-08:00

Even though this last magazine deadline was, without a doubt, the deadline from hell (and it still is continuing weeks past the finish of contribution... I don't even know if we're printed yet!); and even though all the stress from it landed me the most odd cold (from instant migraine to stuffed sinuses to full-blown cold to nerovirus... ugh), I'm enjoying the holidays. Mostly because, completely without expectation, I'm the source of a sweet little flirtation! It's got me all smiles and girlish giggling, a sight to see, and I intend to enjoy every minute of it, while it lasts!

Brandy is flying home from a very odd and unhappy Christmas with her family, and we've decided to re-do Thanksgiving, which she missed during her vacation in the BVI. Not quite all the traditionals, since she and I are trying to limit bad foods -- I guess the pumpkin pie and Steph's recipe for White Trash don't count -- so no mashed potatoes and green bean casserole or candied yams. She's put in a request for acorn squash, the way my mother's been making it for years, and stuffing and gravy. I'll add some roasted gold cauliflower... roasting really brings out much more flavor, and some sugar snap peas.

I hope everyone has a happy and healthy holiday as well as the coming New Year!

2006 Coming To A Close Already?

2006-12-04T09:58:00.000-08:00

Time flies. Since I last posted I got a new roommate... nice gal, not as social as Brandy, has a life of her own. Probably for the best. MIght actually inspire me to go be more social too!

Got a free, last-minute trip to Portland, Maine for a conference of an organization I founded 25 years ago... and it's still going strong. Of course, the current leadership is into revisionist history and my name isn't mentioned anywhere in the historical documentation they create today. When I confronted the male Co-President about it, being the misogynist he is, he replied "Oh come now Marsha, one person can't found an organization." Yeah? Tell that to Bill W. If I was a man, not only would he never have said that to me, he'd have bowed and scrapped low enough and then run off to fix it. But that's okay... I authored an article on Wikipedia. Hah. And my name is mentioned as founder in John Preston's "Big Gay Book" -- from back in my non-hetero days.

Lately I've been thinking I was never really a lesbian, although it's sort of fun to tweak the current lesbians by saying I'm a lesbian that sleeps with men. If I'm honest with myself and reflect back on my history, I'd have to say I've been bisexual since I was five. Alas, growing up in a time where both the APA and AMA declared my preferences as sick one decade or so, and then normal a couple of decades later, who can blame me for being not entirely sure of my own sexuality? I only finally accepted the brand/label when Phil, the married art store manager who used to sneak kisses and cop feels in the back store room, failed to arouse me any further than the flirting.

Anyways... back to Portland. Loved being back on the East Coast, even if it was only for five days. Just enough of the foliage change was lingering for me to get a taste of the brilliant hues of autumn. Sometimes the sight of all that ancient brick in the form of squat, angle-rooved warehouses along the piers and short streets of row houses make me yearn to live back in New England. If they could only get rid of winter... Two gamer geeks and one wife of said geek living in the area joined me for a lunch break from the confines of the Hilton Hotel. I get conferenced-out after 2.5 days, so a quick trip to the waterfront in one of the worse autumn rainstorms got me my fill of lobster and steamed clams. Unfortunately, the "lobster in the rough" dining shacks along Rt. 1 were closed for the season, so this shanty on the pier was the next best bet. Also filled up on native fried clams and oysters... nothing like what you get on the West Coast. Ah... to relive my childhood and summers going to the beach. It was a small slice of heaven.

My team leader for the game I've been addicted to for 11 years now has been promoted to APM, Assistant Product Manager. I breathed a sigh of relief. Some of the other possible choices just scared me, based on their lack of accessibilty and visibility (didn't we already just have enough of that?), or their personal vindictiveness (ditto), or their total desire to people-please to support their fragile egos. At least she's around, she's professional and doesn't let the personal enter into her decisions, and has an ego strong enough to weather most anything. Yay for strong women!

Work is pretty awesome right now. In addition to being reinstated as a Full GameMaster, a full year after I was promised I would be, I also find myself busy trying to keep two magazines organized and get to the printer on time. A large task when you consider the other personalities I have to deal with! Herding cats, comes to mind, as a comparison. I've also been head-hunted three times, and am applying for a local, part-time job I can do from my home. I'd love for it to come through! Light a candle to the goddess!

Harvest Moon

2006-10-08T20:21:00.000-07:00

How big and bright and slightly golden the moon was tonight as it came up over the Oakland Hills. Alone in the loft for the first time, knowing no one is coming home late. Better enjoy it while I can! Interviewing two possible roommate candidates this coming week, one an aesthetician, the other a sculptor.

Good news abounds... some of the resident party people are moving out. Unfortunately, so are many of the professionals closer to my age, because they're unhappy with the party people people element, their inconsideration, and the snarkiness of our building manager. Apparently many complaints are being registered with our landlord, so I hope change happens. Karma sure is a bitch.

The loft is empty and echoing with one less room of furniture.

Woot... Birthday Loot!

2006-09-23T09:20:00.000-07:00

I just love making my birthday last! The final Amazon box from Dad arrived yesterday and I'm happy, although, it's sort of like Christmas... once you unwrap them all, it's over. Thanks to the male parental I now have the 10-set DVD box of all the Star Trek movies, a glorious picture book of The Day of the Dead shot mostly in Mexico, a book called "Aroma" - authored by one of the nation's leading chefs and a foremost perfumer - on the magic of using essential oils in food and fragrance.

That coupled with a gift card to Borders from a friend allowed me to pad out my eclectic collection of reading material to include a lovely illustrated book on Saints - for which I have an odd fascination, a great color reference volume for designers - since I'm now working on two magazines, Ruth Reichl's second book (editor of Gourmet magazine), Amulya Malladi's new novel, and some commuter trash reading. That's to balance out pastry chef Fran Gage's "Sweet Quartet", "The Recipe Writer's Handbook", "Ambient Findability", and "Blink" - a girl needs some light fare to read!

Oh, and Hem's first and most recent CDs (www.hemmusic.com/index.jsp). Hem's song "Half-Acre" can now be heard nationwide on the Liberty Mutual commercials. I first heard the song about a year ago, when I was listening to Radio Paradise while at work (listener supported, no commercials - www.radioparadise.com). Burned it on a CD, had to burn one for the Brandy when she heard my CD, and then... hey... isn't that Hem's Half-Acre playing during this commercial? And it's not a sellout turn either, the commercials are very... human. Hem plays to a rare side of me, as I seldom listen to music that is this quiet and soft and reflective. My normal tunes of choice are more U2, Springsteen, B-52's.

The War is Over...

2006-09-22T20:19:00.000-07:00

Peace reigns again in the household. We both realize this is for the best. I'm just more into the Loft and being here, I like the urban setting and don't mind the slight isolation from neighborhood dining and cafes. We've even talked about setting up play dates for the two cats.

It's been an odd day indeed, and one that convinces me that some people just live in their own worlds, with a strange sense of entitlement, and think more of themselves than others. This was, but was not quite, a short subject of conversation between my friend Jean and I today, as I was telling her my woes, and she about hers. Jean is unique in so many ways, but, as I told her today, what I love most about her is her humor, and I like the way she looks at people and things. Why is it that two perfectly nice and decent people, caring overmuch sometimes about people, often find themselves bitch-slapped?

And that's why, when I try to be a nice person and create a bridge between myself and a distant person, I have to wonder how come, while I've acknowledged and in some case acceded his points, none of my points are equally valid -- except to 95% of the mature population that have frigging responsibilities! But hey, what can you expect from someone who is close to 30, rides a kid's bicycle, spends his days either drunk or high, and doesn't do anything productive with his time.

You know, if I keep posting like this, ya'll are gonna think I'm just a curmudgeon! Hi Keri! Arrr! Happy Wedding Day on Sunday, darlin'. Avast ye mateys and all that crap.

The Saga Continues

2006-09-20T23:31:00.000-07:00

Wow, I went from being awesome roommate and a great friend to a zero in less than five minutes, AND had to suffer yet another one of my roommate's uncontrolled screaming rages as well as personal attacks! Isn't that just awesome? How can I be such a terrific person and then be the worst... EVAH?

Apparently because I wasn't uber enthusiastic about the idea of moving, again, in 40 days, after she JUST told me she can't afford to move (and neither can I), and because I was honest in my concern about not being able to afford another deposit a year later, that threw major ice cold water on her grand scheme where she believes we both need to get out of our current living situation. As usual, it's all about her, what she wants and needs, when she wants it, what's good for her, and not about taking into consideration the valid feelings, concerns, and needs of others.

Here's a clue... I'm not the one having all the issues with the place, the people, or communicating what I'm really feeling! I'm not the one indiscriminately sleeping with virtual strangers because I had way too much to drink or snort. And then avoiding them! I'm not the one calling my alcoholism a "wine allergy" or downing two bottles of wine, alone, in one night. I'm not the one telling my roommate I haven't done coke in ages, when baggies of it have been hidden in a drawer for several weeks. Then later admitting to trying it sometime. I'm not the one lying to my boss about needing root canal to meet my married lover. Oh, and let's not forget... she doesn't like lying... but everything she says is a apparently a lie to some degree! Every potential situation and confrontation is designed around some elaborate fabrication to make her feel good about herself and her lying. Try telling the truth for crying out loud!

She's not honest about how she feels about anything, she's totally judgmental, she's tightly tied into measuring herself against other people and their standards, accomplishments, or material possessions -- to determine how much of a success or failure she is, and she's horribly jealous of what others have or do, if she can't have or do the same! I've never met anyone with self-esteem so low, or a need so great to be something other than herself.

She thinks she's organized, but she's a slob -- I'm constantly cleaning up after her. Actually, I'm constantly cleaning up this place compared to the THREE times she's cleaned anything else here besides her room since March, and ONLY then because she had friends or family coming over. Of course, I did the majority of the cleaning because, boo hoo, she works a 12 hour day and she's so tired. Oh, right, I mentioned that before!

She accuses others of being snarky and manipulative, when she's the Queen of Snark and Twisting Things -- by her own admittance! Yoo hoo, missy... didn't you just admit to me last night that the reason your relationship with Tim fell apart was because you played too many games with him and tried to manipulate him?

I wonder... do you think she even listens to herself when she talks? Nah... if she did she would hear how many times she's attacked me, how often she puts down what I like to do and enjoy just because she doesn't, how often she invalidates what I think and feel, and how often she belittles what I own. Why would I want someone in my life that spends all of her time denigrating not only me, but everyone else around her? She doesn't see it though, likely never will.

I'm astonished at her selective memory.

Does she forget that she told me it was okay to keep sleeping on the futon couch in the living room until the carpeting went in and I could afford a better bed for the sleeping mezzanine? And that she didn't mind me being out there, kind of liked having me out there -- as long as I didn't make it permanent? She even gave me a date by which I could continue to stay down there! What message was she sending to me then?

Does she forget that she was the one who changed the date of moving all the boxes down to the storage area, to accommodate her plans with her friends, to a weekend that I had told her that I would NOT be available? And then when I offered to move some down every night, she told me not to because, being the master organizer, she wanted to arrange and maximize the space? So wait, you schedule everything to meet your needs, but somehow I'm the villain because you rescheduled it, WITHOUT ASKING ME FIRST? Right...

These are only two things on her long list of grievances, despite all the reassuring "I'm not mad at yous, you aren't in the wrongs" she's tossed my way. Clearly she was! Clearly, to her, I was! Clearly she can't friggng communicate!

Well, I will be a victim no more, to her out-of-control screaming rages that are verbally abusive. I think next time I will call the police, because surely all the neighbors that hear her will testify she was verbally violent. Not to mention needing medication and a good psychiatrist. I'm sorry, but I am not cause, dear... look within.

I know I'm far from perfect, and I admit my mistakes and errors, but I would never, ever attack someone the way she did me today.

Is Mercury Retrograde?

2006-09-18T13:00:00.000-07:00

Probably not, but it sure feels like it. The roommate's in another one of her contemplating moving swings and assessing her life again, which always means that I have to take some of my energy and spend it wondering if I need to start looking for another place to live (hello craigslist) or find a new roommate.

Hey, I know it looks like my life might not seem ultra-busy and maybe it seems that I'm just playing around when I'm at my computer (okay, sometimes when I need to think something out or I'm procrastinating, I play a game... but at least I admit I'm procrastinating or mellowing!), but then, I don't need to exude drama or manicness to make people believe I'm being 100% constructive with my time. I also don't need to complain about everything wrong with and surrounding my life, or feel I need to announce every action I take as if seeking some kind of affirmation that I'm being constructive and creative with my life.

Just a short rant today because, a.) I'm happy living here for the most part, b.) I'm fine with my life and don't need to live up to anyone else's standards, except mine, and c.) I'm doing 90% of the housework (sweep floors 3X a week, do dishes 2X a day on average, clean bathroom 1X a week minimum, feed and water cats each day, deal with cat box at least 4X a week) and pet care here anyway, so it's almost like living alone and not having any aid with household duties. I wonder if she even realizes that the only time she's cleaned anything more than the dishes has been when her friends and family are coming over and not inbetween?

Now We're Cooking!

2006-08-23T21:56:00.000-07:00

I love to cook. That should be obvious by now. And only once before have I had a gourmet kitchen to enjoy, like the one I have now.

Stopped off at "Whole Paycheck" to pick up some nice produce for dinner. A good friend of mine who has worked hard in the last year to remain sober and recover his life, that was almost lost, arrived last Saturday for a gourmand's treat. Well, within his dietary limitations. Seriously, he's a fabulous cook himself, so I knew I needed to excell.

Moules poullette... that's mussels in a cream and shallot broth enhanced with bacon and chervil, at least, that's the way they make it at my favorite French bistro! Our local seafood place stopped selling PEI's and bought Meditteranean's instead. They were huge and plump!

Miniature beets in both gold and red I roasted. I might make all my beets this way now! Time consuming, but definitely flavorful. Pea shoots! I've been dying to try them for months! Stir-fried them with mint. I grilled brown turkey figs threaded with rosemary and then split them and topped them with gorgonzola and a slight drizzle of wildflower honey. It was the house fave that night. Then I roasted a pricey little beef tenderloin and served it with a horseradish cream freshly made with creme fraiche and grated horse radish. Thank you, Kathy and Tim, for the lovely microplane! Then horseradish looked like fresh snow... so light and fluffy.

I love playing around with my grey fleur de sel and my pink flaked sea salt!

I served a fresh peach pie for dessert... the taste of summer!

If I had all the money in the world and these dishes weren't so rich, I would cook like this every night. But, I'd never want to be a chef or own a restaurant. I've read Kitchen Confidential, thanks!

Almost Forgot...

2006-08-10T22:08:00.000-07:00

That it was three years ago that Karen/Kali/Aelsidhe died. I still miss her in so many ways.

What can I do with this?

2006-08-02T18:55:00.000-07:00

I discovered that, aside from being a generally all-out good cook, I know how to combine and meld. In my refrigerator last week, we only had:
Some fresh shrimp
A lemon
A fresh fennel bulb
Some peppered bacon
Assorted milks and creams
Parmesan cheese
Some heirloom tomatoes
Some fresh basil
Some tiny mozzarella cheeses

First thing I did was slice the tomatoes and dust them with some basiled sea salt that I made last month, and added a bit of fresh ground pepper. I sliced the mozzarella next, layered them in a fan with the tomatoes and put a chiffonade of basil on the top.

Then I sauteed some garlic and shallots -- house staples, we never run out -- added the bacon, then the fennel. Put the vegetable mix in a bowl and seared the shrimp in all those tasty flavors, then degreased with lemon juice. Addded a little bit of cream and stirred it until it thickened, adding a bit more slowly until I had a nice little sauce, then let a little parmesan melt into it.

Served up the tomato and basil salad with the shrimps resting on the glistening fennel mix, and drizzled with a beautiful pale yellow sauce. What a tasty little hit it was!

Passings and passages

2006-07-16T10:14:00.000-07:00

What a shock to learn, the day after the parade, that my friend Eric died suddenly of a heart attack while on a writing sabbatical in Provincetown. My mentor and the person who encouraged me to keep involved with Pride, running parades as I have for nearly 25 years now. The man who saw the activist in me and nurtured it, bringing me to the table of united groups in Boston and international organizations at conferences in LA, until I finally founded a national organization myself (now international as well and in continuous operation for 24 years).

He was a big bear of a man that seldom had an ugly word to say about anyone, always had love for more people than you could possibly imagine, and made everyone feel important -- not only to him but to themselves. If any testimony of this is true, it's in the 500 people who made it to his memorial service yesterday, here in San Francisco, and the similar numbers that will likely show up at the Boston and New York services in the coming weeks.

Eric Rofes was an important writer, without needing to be a bestseller. His tomes contain some very pointed and poignant information. His writings are well respected. Damn if I don't owe him a book of my own, as he supported many to create, even if it's fictional trash.

I'll miss Eric... a lot.

June Ramblings

2006-06-30T12:53:00.001-07:00

Just in time for the end of the month! Most of May and the first week of June were plagued with a nasty case of sciatica... my first and hopefully the last. Spasms of white-hot knives of pain from lower back to my knee along my left leg. After three weeks of little sleep and grinding teeth from managing pain every day, all day, I finally had a meltdown one Friday morning and wept. And wept. And wept... and shivered and shuddered with exhaustion. Finally I was able to move and get out of bed with minimal pain. By that afternoon, 98 percent of the shooting daggers of this injury, however it occured, were gone. Ah... blessed relief.

But it still put me behind on my parade duties which made the next three weeks of June a misery.

Even though, as I was standing there playing traffic cop at the start of the parade, seeing all the colorful, happy people -- people proud of themselves -- I felt a well of emotion swell up and little sneaky tears escaped to run free along my cheeks.

Not once in the 20 years that I have been working this event has that ever happened. Matter of fact, it was almost 25 years before, while judging LA's parade, that I did cry in a similar way. It was the sheer magnitude of the event, in comparison to Boston's, that made me do so.

Never under estimate the power of people to move you. Or to move great expectations.

I'm Just Too Old...

2006-05-16T12:44:00.000-07:00

To be moving heavy furniture, big items, and boxes of books by myself, unless I love living on the sofa with muscle relaxants, pain killers, and a heating pad for a couple of days.

To be staying up until all hours of the morning and still get up at a decent hour to go to work.

To not take my health seriously, considering I don't bounce back as well as I did when I was 24. Or even 35.
.
.
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However, I'm not too old to:

Fall in love again. Heck, even lust would be welcome. Alright, how about a one-night stand?

Do something creative, like, take the roleplaying material sitting on my computer and generate two romance novels out of it. Then interview my Dad for the factual book about his old neighborhood and his band of friends, Murder Inc.'s presence there, and growing up with Danny Kaye and Van Cliburn, etc. It would give the ole' retired guy something to do.

Figure out how to have a good relationship with my Mother or simply accept the fact that her distance for the last 40 years has created an unbridgeable gap that two stubborn, independent people will never close.

And a bunch of other things too numerous to list.

For those keeping track, nothing's changed much in the loft, save that I am actually fully moved up into the sleeping loft. No more futon bed in the living room for me! A second coat of Dried Chervil green paint needs to go up on the major wall and I need to put up some shelves, get a couple of end tables, maybe a bookcase, too, and it'll be a bit more homey. Some art on the wall or I can wash and suspend my antiqued quilt. I say antiqued because it's not really one, but it's taken on all the characteristics of a good, aged quilt.

Wisteria abounds here, especially all along the dark redwood pergola fence surrounding the outdoor pool at UC Berkeley, which I have to pass every day. The star and pink jasmines are releasing their heady fragrance, in light of the abundantly warm weather.

Oh... and I think the cats have fleas, which means I also need to check for worms... damn California insects! Yuck.

April in... Maryland?

2006-04-17T05:51:00.000-07:00

I've let my brother talk me into using my only and last probable travel voucher from Delta, first class no less, to head East for my Mother's 75th birthday. For the moment, I'm staying at Keri's and looking at lilacs (don't see much of those in California), wisterias, violets, pink dogwoods, lots of greening... ah, springtime. Any moment now I expect my old oak pollen allergy to swell me up like a balloon.

Kudos to Bank of America for actually agreeing to cash my UC Berkeley paycheck, since I didn't make it to Wells Fargo before the flight left. Of course, running around with that kind of cash on me isn't too smart, perhaps. Maybe I will go get those traveler's checks that Keri suggested.

The menu for Mom's birthday is done and not as frou-frou as I intended, since with her reflux and hiatal hernia, rich spicy food can be aggravating. And though my nieces and nephew have sophisticated palates, I doubt they would find my choices, along the upper end of things, quite as tasty. Also, one niece and sister-in-law insist they are vegetarian. Therefore we are making:

Bread Salad
Roasted Aspargus Bundles with Proscuitto
Wild Mushroom Medley
Couscous with Apricots, Currants, and Pistachios
Herb-roasted Chicken with Fried Sage
Pork Loin with Pomegranate Sauce

I don't have to worry about dessert, but I'm craving berries and/or a flourless chocolate cake (just heavenly when made with Scharffen Berger).

Then the rest of the famial juggling begins... my brother for one day, my dad for two days, back to Mom for a day, back to Dad for a day, then finally... home to California and the first break I'll have had in six weeks!

March Madness

2006-03-23T09:14:00.000-08:00

And no... I don't mean basketball. More, that things at work seem to be, well, wonky. I mean... most of us are in alignment except for this lynch-pin of a person who doesn't seem to organize, delegate, or supervise very well. Which I find odd, considering her other sideline of work is stage management. Having done event production and stage management, I know you have be super organized, be able to direct people around, and keep people moving. So, why don't those skills transcend to her role at the magazine? Perhaps what adds to this oddity is the fact that I have found skills I built up in one role transcended to all others.

Add to the above some rather high maintenance people in my life right now, it makes me wonder just what my role is, in this life. Hey goddess, I didn't get married and have children for a reason! Why do I feel like everyone's mother sometimes? If I wanted to be a mom, I would have certainly done more procreating! At least that part would have been fun... I hope.

Okay, goddess, I know you're laughing at my expense. I, who believe I am patient and mellow, have discovered I might have actually become a bit impatient and slightly high-keyed as I've gotten older. Nice joke. That's not the way it's supposed to work. So, instead, you send me someone with the patience of a gnat to help? Why is it that I have to teach them the lessons? Get back to me with an explanation sometime, hmm?

Yes, I know I missed February, Aaron! I probably didn't have much to say... or too much to say and it mostly sounded like whining.

The foyer, for those looking for an update, is now painted Dried Chervil and Blackberry Harvest, according to Behr Paints, and is damn awesome! We hung a tiffany-style dome light over the bare bulb and mounted the huge fireplace front against the wall, atop a slab of marble. With the grapes lights and religious votive stand all lit up, it makes a pretty impressive entry. All that's left to do is mount the coat hooks on the wall.

I've painted a total of one accent wall up in my sleeping area -- in something Behr Paint calls Classic Cherry. It's really red. Really, really red. More red than sanguine, which was what I wanted, but it's nice. It also showed me that fresh, new walls suck up a ton of paint! Especially dark paints -- which is what we want to use in the living room area.

I was inspired the day we finished painting, and came up with a plan for the hallway wall perpendicular to the windows. I'm going to offer the wall to some enterprising student from the California College of Arts and Crafts, so they can paint a trompe l'oeil, matching the facing window and brick. It'll look like we have another whole mega window on the wall, with a backdrop of blue, wispy-clouded sky. My theory is that it will open up the space and provide an outdoorsy feel to the main hallway. We can set up a little sitting area/library there. Maybe even get one of those big, oversized, overstuffed chairs and ottomans there, that converts into a twin bed. The student can use it for credit, we'll pay for supplies and maybe a small stipend, then I'll manage some PR with local papers, magazines, perhaps even a national publisher. During studio open house season, the loft can be open for display.

I'm back on the CE side of things again, in the game, working with the players -- which I should have never stopped doing. All in all though, working in Dev with Pete's been a dream. I must be the only one thrilled to be handling referrals again. Hee! How's them apples, Jared? Oh wait... I STILL work for the company. You don't. I'm not that bitter that you harassed me for two years and lied about it not being personal. No, I'm not even that mad that you tried to get me fired. All I have to say, though, is... karma, she's a bitch on payback, isn't she?

I'm turning three years of BBS roleplaying into a bodice ripper. The player of the other lead character and I have been trying to come up with a pen name that doesn't sound too ethnic, since that seems to be part of the issue with publishers. Your name has to be as romantic (or slutty) as the book. We might actually have material for two or three books... and my co-partner in crime has suggested another, more modern option. That we actually create a site that posts serializations or chapters about our characters -- perhaps picking up where we left off. For a small subscription fee, people can tune in and get a weekly update into the lives of the Captain and his witchy wife. We've got it all -- witchcraft, privateering, dock fires, witch hunting, a strete faire, a church burning, a kidnapping, pirates, rum-running, a daring escape from Newgate prison, a duplicitous duchess en ceinte with the Captain's supposed son, a sudden midsummer's eve wedding, voyages to the orient. It's been fun, so I'd like to see it continue in some fashion.

Happy birthday, Dad! Have a great day tomorrow.

Ch-ch-ch-changes

2006-01-20T16:12:00.000-08:00

Amazingly, I found a bedframe I love and priced cheap enough to allow me to get a new mattress as well. It's a very simple wrought iron that I need to paint a pale café au lait color, and it's being delivered tomorrow. No more sleeping in the living room! I want to keep the frame neutral though, so that the bedsheets and wall colorings all pop as accents.

Speaking of which, the hallway is now going to be a light sage -- Behr Paints calls it "Dried Chervil" — and a deep amethyst purple. The light sage will continue up the wall leading into the sleeping mezzanine, complimenting my color scheme there. And there's one semi-hidden wall that I'm going to paint a Tuscan red. The remaining walls are going to be a soft off-white, or perhaps I'll paint them the same color as the bed frame, to blend it in. The natural wood definitely needs a coating or ten of poly, the closet door handles need to be changed out to something pewterish. My TV stand and night table could use a new coat of off-white, too.

Bought a chef's prep table of polished, bullnosed steel with a galvanized steel shelf, on locking casters. It's pretty awesome as a stand alone breakfast island and serves as separater of areas, as well as a functional piece full of tools and decorative touches. Best of all, it was mis-marked at $108 dollars and stands 30"D x 48"W x 36"H.

The bathroom is going to be one of the last, and probably the priciest project, if you include the distinct possibility that it will need an upgrade for both sink and toilet, mega shelving and storage, painting, and tiling.

The living room will just need furniture — hoping Dad's cordovan leather queen sleeper sofa does find it's way into my home, then perhaps a mission-style console table, side tables, and coffee table. More shelving and an entertainment unit, bookshelves. Not so much a project as the the bathroom, since it's about acquisition. All that needs doing is painting one wall, the rest are brick and window. Wish I could gild the fire door in real silver leaf.

Addendum

2006-01-08T23:50:00.000-08:00

Oh, before I forget! It seems like everyone I know and their mothers has a book idea. Meanwhile, I've been bitten by the "I-feel-I-have-a-book-inside-me" bug as well. Well, to be honest, I've had that feeling since college.

Seems like the opportunity has knocked, now I just need a reply. About 4+ years ago I met a nice person online and we started roleplaying in a ::gasp:: AOL chat room called "The Medieval Tavern." There my character met a nice and debonaire man, who is roleplayed by my friend Margaret. Our styles matched nicely and even when she confessed she was a woman behind the man, I just chuckled and told her the roleplay wasn't for "that" -- so we continued to develop our characters.

It was refreshing and different from GS4, no need to level characters or hunt or deal with idiots... oh wait, I take that back. I'd almost forgotten about the punk animes that came blasting into the bar with their guns, lasers, and ninja stuff. Blasted Rhydin rejects. It also gave me back some of the creativity in writing that I enjoyed, since most of our roleplaying actually took place on the boards. It's kind of hard to sustain a conversation when you have jerks running in and screaming all sorts of out-of-character stuff and spammers phishing you.

Anyway, I figure that we (Margaret and I, and assorted bit players) have enough material from the posts we made that it dawned on me... we have a complete bodice-ripper here! How about that? I don't expect to be the next Johanna Lindsey, but, it would be fun to be in print.

Yet Another Year Begins

2006-01-08T22:01:00.000-08:00

The loft is taking great shape, although my bed is still in the main living room area. Finally, the freight elevator is fixed, so all the tenants can start to bring up heavy furniture again and I can order that new bed.

A month of washing the floors has produced dramatic results. The honeyed maple glows now, although the workers sure left their mark on them. Eventually they're going to need sanding and refinishing to make them blemish free. The workers were so careless; they sealed glue, dirty footprints, bird guano, and paint mistings in the surface. Wasn't too smart of them to do the floors BEFORE they reinstalled all 12 of our 5.5' x 10.25' windows, was it? I'm fine with keeping the character left over from when this was a mill, but not the nice little "additions" the renovating crew left behind!

The bathroom and the main foyer are finally ready to paint. I'm using a light sage and dark sage combination for the entry hall; and a garnet and medium grey for the bathroom with all white fixtures. There's some great rainbow travertine tile borders at Home Depot that will look nice edging the tub/shower surround.

The kitchen is almost complete, just looking for the right pattern in copper "ceiling" tiles to use as a stove backsplash.

This week I'll take down the 8' Noble fir and put the purple and white lights away, along with the purple, gold, and garnet balls. And the fiber optic angel! It was amusing to lie there in the dark and watch her wings change color.

Sitting around with Brandy one night, we started telling each other our horror stories involving school, friends, lovers, parents, etc. Currently two of her past affairs of the heart tracked her down at her new job and wanted to renew a relationship. That got me to thinking about those in my life that I miss (and one I don't miss).

Eric... whereever you are, I hope you're happy. I hope you're happy, but I hope you realize some day just how disrespectful you were to me and how much I deserved better. Maybe someday you'll apologize, if you feel like "manning up" and amending things.

Mr. T... you know who you are. So... a moment's hesitation apparently means missed opportunity? Oh well, the flirting was fun -- certainly made for interesting evenings. You'll never know just how wild I could have been!

Michael... I still care about you, you know. I keep hoping that you find/have found someone that truly deserves the wonderful person you are. I'd think you're almost perfect myself, but... there's that matter of shutting me out for answering a question honestly that was asked of me directly. So maybe it wasn't my best use of judgment -- it also certainly wasn't easy to sit there and hear how much in love you were with her, and then for me to listen to her go on and on ad nauseum about how she just doesn't feel that way about you and isn't interested in that kind of relationship with you at all, and how she doesn't want to hurt you but is enjoying all the attention she wasn't getting from Q. By being honest with her or honest with you, either way you would have wound up hurt -- and I would still be where I am today... missing you and our conversations.

RC... I miss you the most, and not just because I haven't had much time to catch up with you lately, but because it seemed for a while that even when I did catch up, you'd already pulled away for some reason. I was confused about how we could spend a year and a half or more conversing every night, and then... it just stops, but I will always treasure the moments we are together; past, present, and future.

Just a little introspection for the new year. Time to move on, eh?

December Already?

2005-12-06T17:41:00.000-08:00

Well the loft is coming together slowly. The kitchen is entirely set up, quelle surprise, save for a new microwave and Cuisinart. Maybe Santa will be good. Made some scones for a neighbor's brunch and how lovely it was to just flour the marble counter and roll out the dough. No rolling cloth or pastry board necessary. Cheddar chive, Christmas eggnog, and gingerbread; the middle recipe I created by using a buttermilk scone recipe and substituting eggnog, then adding candied orange and citron peel as well as a variety of seasonal spices (nutmeg, ginger, cloves, allspice).

The floors are starting to look more clean, less dusty, though with almost all of the building construction nearly finished the dust should stop generating so thickly. Three windows leaked during the first pouring rain, two of them over outlets -- heh, the landlord will definitely have to work on those. And why the heck won't this damn T1 line work? I can see my router, but I can't seem to get out onto the Internet.

Buying a new bedframe too, since Ikea has two choices I like for sale this week. One is a wrought-iron type of frame but in a pewter type finish, the other is a white wooden country cottage style. Need to see which will work with the futons.

More to come when I get time, and a better Internet connection!

November Newsings

2005-11-07T22:05:00.000-08:00

October was a pretty full month. First week was spent both sick and packing up for the planned move-in to the new loft on the 8th, but... no sign-off from the fire marshal on the alarm system, so we couldn't move our bodies in -- just boxes.

Then half a week trying to recover, get well enough to fly off to InterPride in Minneapolis, while camping out on a sofa bed. Minneapolis was even warmer than San Francisco, thankfully, since I'd opted to leave the bulky winter coat at home. Both workshops went over very, very well. Jack and I presented Advanced Parades -- and the attendees asked us to extend another 90 minutes. What with the skill the two of us possess, I think we should do this professionally, at the city level. Though small, the ageism workshop was very informative, and contained some great discussion.

Had fun meeting up with Kia and Kelly, and a bunch of players, at Grumpy's, where I ordered way too much food for the masses, because I was hungry! The planned trip to UMinn's Library for the opening of Gene Trotter's history section was an hour late and the hors d'oeuvres were mostly sweet. At the dinner hour. And this wasn't the first time we've run into that. Savory, folks, savory!

Spent the night catching up with family friends just outside the city, where one of their dogs snatched my fun, colorful, loopy yarn scarf I paid a whopping $7 for, at Wal-Mart, the night I went up to buy a bigger suitcase. They now have a new, nicely shredded, pull toy.

At the end of the conference I caught a flight to St. Louis. Gary was nice enough to offer me a place to stay in his new digs, and I finally got to tour Simu and meet a bunch of people I only know from the back channel! I also bought Aaron "Cupcake" Standridge a Stoli at dinner, a final pay-up from all the help he's given me and such, over the years. Got to see some of the pre-art for HJ, although it's come a long way since, and one of the designers working on a scene. Mischief, Melissa's and Matt's new pup, is so very cute. One of the dogs at the office is actually named "Fugly" -- poor thing!

With the loan of Gary's car I was able to spend several hours down in Frenchtown, the totally cute and pre-Civil War section of St. Charles, along the Missouri River. I've always loved being among architecture from that time period, it's part of why I loved living in New England. So much more character and detail than today's little boxes. That's why I'm also moving into a 100+ year-old cotton mill that's been converted to lofts. You wouldn't believe what we can't touch, paint, or deface in any way, given it's a registered building. To thank Gary, I found a cute, grapevine basket, complete with handle, that I filled with some homemade cinnamon apple potpourri.

Dinner at Vivian's Vineyard was quite the adventure, and I enjoyed meeting Pete/Ozias and his wife Maggie, as well as many others -- although, I'd wished we'd been all at one table. I sorta suck at socializing since I'm inherently introverted and it takes a lot (or at least one drink) to get me to be more extroverted. Sushi with Elonka, Jeff, Jim, and Gary the next night was a real feast too. Yeah I know, I don't come off introverted on the back channel of the game!

Back home to sleeping on a sofa bed and sorting out 13 mid-sized UHaul boxes of crap, to see what I was actually going to take to the loft. Still no move into the new place! Compromise by sleeping on an air mattress (ugh... my back...) in an empty loft space, in my new landlord's home building, while they finish our suite. Supposedly the last sign off happened today, but I haven't heard a thing yet, so moving over tomorrow night is probably nixed.

One month and counting...

Another Autumn Already?

2005-09-27T12:48:00.000-07:00

I'm excited and stressed out at the same time. I've been working almost non-stop, on back-to-back projects, since April. Maybe even before April. I had a one week breather that was filled with production meetings, birthday celebrations, contract talks, errands, and it hardly felt like a vacation.

But the upcoming move next week is still freaking me out! Will I earn enough money, as I have been the last six months, to afford this place? Overall, it won't be that much more expensive than living in the cottage in Bernal Heights. $30 more to be precise. Wait... with the free T1 line, it might be less expensive... oh, no... it'll be less expensive because I can't bring myself to commit to cable TV or a dish network! Hah.

I miss being able to watch movies whenever. And BBC America. Even the History Channel and Animal Planet. If the steady stream of work continues, though, for the next couple of months, I think I'll bite the bullet. I might also try to see if the local dish company or Comcast will set up the whole building and give us discounts to join in... as the building is supposedly wired for Cable (whatever that means). I guess that simply means no installation fees.

Bought a nice book on Feng Shui. That brings my total up to three now. But... but... this one had a purple cover and pretty pictures inside!

Projects coming up:
Curtains for the mezzanine
Stained glass divider for the mezzanine
Gel fireplace for the mezzanine
New bed for the mezzanine
Closet organizers for the mezzanine closet
Paint TV console
New bedstands
Bookcases for the mezzanine
Change out overhead fixture in the mezzanine with tiffany dome
Buy Crate & Barrel wall sconce for mezzanine
Buy mirrors to feng shui mezzanine
Verdigris the ladder
Tile the bathroom floor with stone and glass cobblestone swirls
Put up shelves for work station and in bathroom
Put up curtains on passageway and living room windows
Buy breakfast island for kitchen
Put trompe l'oeil mural up on dining area wall
Buy chairs for dining area
Upgrade computer ::sigh:: This might be on the 2006 list now.
Buy new desk and chair
Hunt around for living room furniture
Work on moveable wall art pieces and set-up
Plan out entry way labyrinth
Buy racks for kitchen
Get new Cuisinart ASAP

Think that's enough? And following on the heels of a blog trend:

Places I Have Lived
Arlington/Fairfax, Virginia
Newton, Massachusetts
Greenwich, Connecticut
Franklin, Massachusetts
Philadelphia, Pennsylvania
Silver Spring, Maryland
Allston, Massachusetts
Brighton, Massachusetts
Waltham, Massachusetts (short term)
Woburn, Massachusetts (short term)
Boston, Massachusetts
Chelsea, Massachusetts
San Francisco, Callifornia
Oakland, California

Places I Have Visited
Arizona
California
Colorado
Connecticut
Delaware
District of Columbia
Florida
Georgia
Illinois
Kansas
Louisiana
Maine
Maryland
Massachusetts
Minnesota
Missouri
Nevada
New Hampshire
New Jersey
New Mexico
New York
Ohio
Pennsylvania
Rhode Island
Texas
Utah
Vermont
Virginia
Washington
West Virginia
Wisconsin
Barbados
Canada
France
Grenada
Martinique
Mexico
Monaco
Puerto Rico
Venezuela
Virgin Islands

Aftermath

2005-09-17T02:02:00.000-07:00

The birthday celebrations are done... I think. Only thing missing was some sicky-sweet, over-sugared, gloppy-iced, commercial cake, but I can live without it... maybe.

Brandy treated me to dinner at one of my favorite bistros, Plouf, which I think means "Make A Splash" in French, and might also explain the dearth of taxidermy marlins on the walls. They specialize in mussels. I haven't been there in years, but Belden Place is such a special little alley that feels like Paris or Rome. It was time to return there.

I'm a traditionalist, so I ordered the little bivalves a la mariniere, and Brandy got them poulette, which adds some cream, shallots, and bacon in with the white wine, garlic, and parsley. We used all the bread to sop up the heavy creation! With an appetizer of beef carpaccio drizzled with truffle oil and a chocolate fondue, we were in heaven! A stop at Lush for some bath bombs and soaps, and we were both ready to retreat.

I had a full day to recover before Lindsey and I were destined for lunch at Tartare, a restaurant that got raves the first two months after it opened. I'd promised her in when I read the reviews in April that we would try the place. I got there late and panicked when the interior was dark. How could they be closed on a Thursday? Within a few minutes, Lindsey pulled up and said that she'd been trying for five days to get a reservation... and so, we concluded they were shuttered. Sad.

Heading for the Ferry Building we set out for the Slanted Door, a unique Vietnamese dining experience. Another yummy appetizer of sliced beef, this time in salad, then entrees of squid and shaken beef. I took the leftovers home! Too full for a proper dessert, we settled on some chocolates at Recchiuti before parting ways. I'm off Joseph Schmidt and Scharffen Berger because they both sold out recently to Hershey, even though they promised it would not change their product, and cited the merger as a means for improving their product's reach. I was glad Michael Recchiuti came out and said he would never sell to a big conglomerate. That's why I stopped buying Godiva years ago, when I learned Pepperidge Farms bought them. Why pay a lot for "Belgian" chocolate made here in America?

I continued to shop for a bottle of Tea's Teas Green Jasmine, a bar of Dagoba's Organic Chocolate -- Xocolatl flavor (dark chocolate with chiles), and a couple of pastries from Frog Hollow to tide me over this weekend, while I wait for the paint on the front porch to dry.

On Friday I met up with Kathy for a quick lunch (since she was working and this was just about the first Friday I've had off since April) at my old haunt, Lightning Foods, of fabulous salad bar fame. Roasted red potatoes, roasted chicken, pan-fried crispy beans just the right shade of green and still with a bit of snap, pesto tubes, alfredo shells, silky tofu (the one and only place I'll eat it unfried), and a bunch of other things amid the usual greens and vegetables. And a nice treat of Ghiradelli chocolate and toffee crunch frozen yogurt to add the perfect ending.

I still miss having a piece of so-sweet-hurt-my-teeth sugar frosted cake though!

Sweet September

2005-09-07T14:20:00.000-07:00

Well, let's not even talk about the birthday that I have coming up, because I can't believe how old I'll be. I'd much rather recall the celebrations, when I lived in Boston, where we drove out to western Massachusetts to go apple picking. The autumn scent in the air on a nice Indian Summer day. Blue skies and foliage just beginning to turn. Freshly-pressed, icy cold cider. Rides on hay carts, pumpkins, and homemade jams.

Unfortunately, by mid-August, much of the apple season is over in California. Instead, I prefer the warm Napa valley with the smell of crushed grapes pungent in the air. Cool foggy nights and sitting in hot tubs under massively starry skies. Similar rituals.

But this year I won't quite have that luxury. I'm packing so I can move into my new space... a pretty damn awesome loft that is totally brand new. The location leaves A LOT to be desired, but for an artistic space that just might renew the creative spirit in me, I'll take the 10' tall walls of windows, earthy exposed brick, stainless steel appliances, maple floors and beams, and a nice deep tub, and call it my little oasis.

Almost Infamous

2005-07-09T00:00:00.000-07:00

Heh!

http://www.sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?f=/c/a/2005/07/08/DDGM7C8H4S1.DTL

Too bad Leah Garchik was a bad, bad girl and didn't fact check her column first, not like she's doing major journalism or anything, but still... She would have learned that I bent over backwards for the band for two years before denying them entrance to the parade last year, after they were repeatedly disruptive, rude and inconsiderate, and creating havoc with the contingents near them. I suffered the complaints from volunteers and registered groups in the parade, alike, for almost three years before taking a stand.

And then, to have them either falsely register for the Parade, or not register at all knowing full well why they were not in the Parade is irksum. Bastards. Hey Leah, did you know I CALLED them a month before the parade to ask the Stanford Pride contingent if they were the Leland Stanford Junior University Marching Band? And did you know I was told by the contact person for the contingent that they were absolutely not the band?

Nah, I didn't think so. Any way, we can't tell if I'm the cold hard-hearted person that they're referring to, or our Safety monitors, who actually started to block them and get them off the route before I arrived up there to deal with the Band.

Mid-Year Musings

2005-06-13T01:47:00.000-07:00

A bit early, yes, considering the solstice is still about a week or so away, but I'll never have time between now and then, giving the parade is coming up on the 26th. Things are going much more smoothly now that Lindsey is at the helm. I'll have a three-week break before we start up at UCB again. In between I might do other little projects, or perhaps even find time to start working on the Ex-Er Expo and Ball. All in all, I expect to be pretty busy until just before the holidays. Work-wise, it's been a good year -- a nice change from the barrens created by the dot.com bust.

Almost a month since my step-father died. As usual, and probably because I've lost so many people during the last half of my lifetime, I was pretty much able to remain strong, although the cemetary was difficult to deal with and I almost lost it. I thought they waited for you to leave before they lowered the casket all the way down!

The other night I had what I consider a special dream. My mother was giving me some of his things, and among them was a scrapbook he'd kept of things I'd done in school and in the community. In the dream I started to cry with big, heaving sobs. I woke up feeling good, rather than sad, because it was an acknowledgement of his love.

My mother's hearing loss is a major concern... and I worry that, like everything else I've inherited from her, that I'm experiencing loss as well. Maybe it's all those rock concerts I went to...

The Iceland trip is off, dang it. Seems the U.S. Icelandair company doesn't want to honor the Iceland-based sponsorship and airline tickets from our "sister" city, so... so much for my exotic trip this year. Guess I'm either looking at New Orleans, in the swelter, amid the other GS geeks, or perhaps two days up in Calistoga, on my own. I haven't done the latter since Eric and I broke up years ago, so only moderate memories are attached to the place. Still... while I love the ideal of a solo revel in the sun and thermal waters, it would be nice to share it.

As for any midwest journeys, I'm still trying to figure out how largely MIA people and those who spent most of the last year on LOA are more senior and productive than me. I haven't taken one LOA or disappeared for more than a couple of days during the last 7 years. Getting the emails and IMs of disappointment from those who hear I won't be present only affirm that I am liked, loved, and appreciated. There's always Thrilla and Maelstrom By The Bay!

Berkeley Babblings

2005-04-26T09:43:00.000-07:00

As I was walking down Bancroft Street enjoying the early morning and spring, with the cherry blossoms, warm sun, and scents, I reflected upon recent events and was surprised to find myself thinking -- in this glorious weather -- how much tolerance I do not have people who lie and engage in duplicitous behavior.

Sure, there's a reason that it's come up, and so's the feeling of being played and betrayed. Not to mention used. All I can say is, I'm glad I'm not someone who makes decisions based solely on the input of others, especially others with personal issues with me (come on now, it's so CLEAR to everyone else, why can't you see it or acknowledge the truth?). How many times did I offer, no, I asked specifically, for us to talk? How many times did you brush me off, or promise to get back to me... but you never did? If you really cared as you said you did, why wouldn't you be true to your word? Unfortunately, I'm not the only person you've burned, and one of these days, it will catch up to you. You can't continue to ignore issues. You can't continue to pretend that issues don't exist. Well, actually you can, if you enjoy living in that kind of a fantasy.

Once I decided this person no longer deserved my respect (since I apparently I wasn't getting any respect, caring, or consideration in return for what I gave out) then I was able to move on.

Work has been extraordinarily busy and for that I'm grateful. It's been fun to be creative again and feel like I have value, instead of being underappreciated and unthanked. Looks like it's going to be a regular gig that keeps me busy through the end of the year.

That'll finally allow me to upgrade my computer for the first time in about 8 years, and all good things come to those who wait it seems -- I've been offered a mostly-free trip to Iceland in August. Land of the near-midnight sun. The great golden orb will rise at 4:30 AM and set at 10:30 PM. I'll probably love it, since I love Daylight Savings Time. A small vacation, yay!

April Come She May

2005-04-09T23:49:00.000-07:00

I love spring. Spring always makes me feel renewed. What I love most about living in California is that winter can seem like spring. After a summer of hot, dry weather and brown grass, rains in November bring lush greenery, camellias, jasmine, lemon and orange blossoms, acacia mimosa, roses, and the usual equinox display of tulips and daffodils.

The cherry blossoms are pink and fluffy, apple blossoms spun off the trees last week in the rain storms, like large snowflakes. Wisteria will peak this week, then disappear until its time for a second blooming. Loquat and mock orange are in full flower. Scotch broom is bright yellow against an almost jade green, and smells like lemon pledge.

I like only wearing a light wool shawl, instead of a bulky jacket.

With spring, I also feel lighter and more generous towards people... well, towards those that deserve it. I have a pretty short list right now of those who just don't deserve that generousity, because they don't practice it where others are concerned (unless the others have something they want or need). That's just a big karmic no-no in my book. But hey, if someone wants to take a personal issue and try to make it a professional issue, be my guest. Just don't lie to my face while you're doing it. I know the truth, as do others.

So I'll give my kindess and generousity to those who know how to return it, in the true sense of renewal that comes with spring, and try to understand those who can't give deserve something back.

Plan for Valentine's Day!

2005-01-26T23:32:00.000-08:00

I'm working with this great guy and great company on the U.N. World Environment Day Parade and 60th Anniversary celebration coming up in June. Check out www.organicbouquet.com for your sweetheart! They keep their roses priced the same all year 'round and don't jack them up for some commercially-created day, plus, their flowers are organic! My personal favorite is their "Timeless Beauty", but I also think the Valentine's Tulips are gorgeous.

Jumping January

2005-01-26T23:21:00.000-08:00

Two years or more of a drought economy, and now I have a ton of little projects to keep me busy. The college up the street needs an on-call scanner, color-corrector, and optimizer. Woo, walk to work and do something totally easy, thanks to an old client!

A colleague of mine is going to see about hiring me to do junk work, which will pay the ancillary bills and maybe allow me to save up some money -- plus, the bonus is that I can work at home in my jammies at any hour I want!

Three contracts signed: two for parades; one for magazine design, layout, and production management.

Two contracts probably still to come in August, for an expo, doing vendor liaison or something more responsible; another small parade contract. I'm gonna be the parade maven of San Francisco and create a city job for myself!

I'll either get a PowerBook (used darn it, they wouldn't blow the bucks for brand new!) which I can probably hijack for the next 7 months, or I'll save up and buy myself a souped-up Macmini, since I have a monitor already. Although... a 17" or 20" cinema display would be very, very nice.

I'm just going to be thankful that this all seems to be coming my way!

Ten Things...

2004-12-21T23:37:00.000-08:00

Ten sounds like a good number.

Ten Things I Would Like As Gifts:
(from anyone for any occasion - or why I need to be independently wealthy and connected)

U2 iPod
4/5 megapixel digital camera
A box of homemade decorated Christmas cookies
Backstage pass to a U2 concert
An all-expenses paid vacation to someplace warm and culturally charming
A brand new cuisinart in black, chrome, or hunter green
Tulips every week from now until April
Gift cards to Amazon or Borders
Or Starbucks - if I can't read it or listen to it, I might as well drink it.
Cut velvet scarves

Ten Places I Would Like to Visit
Machu Picchu
Thailand
Ireland
Scotland
Spain
Greek Islands
Morocco
St. Lucia
Palenque
Tikal

Ten Activities I Enjoy
Cooking
Reading
Napping
Writing
Talking
Shopping
Singing
Daydreaming
Learning
Designing

Solstice Surprises

2004-12-20T23:21:00.000-08:00

So, I've been thinking about Karen recently, missing her, yet still feeling her presence in some way. She was so creative, it makes me wish I could do something more with my talent, but I lack the confidence that what I could create would be of value to someone. Sad, isn't it? Anywho, she still serves as my muse in many ways.

Interesting email and phone call last week. The CEO from OrganicBouquet.com called me to chat about a parade he needs help coordinating here, for the U.N.'s World Environment Day. It's going to have a "Flower Power" theme, with Wavy Gravy, Joan Baez, lot of other folks, 100 mayors from 100 US major cities, Kofi Annan, Queen Beatrix... and they want me to help out with the planning and logistics. Heh... cool! More details to come after we confirm and perhaps sign a contract after Christmas. Check out their Web site! Nice flowers, great prices, and they contribute to the world.

Hanukah was way too early this year. Got all my presents from the folks: LOTR: Return of the King, platinum version, Pirates of the Caribbean, Angels in America, the Gourmet Magazine cookbook, a glow-in-the-dark lunar calendar (wOOt! I'm a geek), and U2's new CD. Now I'm sad I have nothing to look forward to opening in 5 days!

Did about 7 hours of referrals and assists after a major game crash last night... loved it, which is probably pretty sick, but I truly do miss the contact with players. I'm always touched by the hugs, smooches, whispers, and people genuinely happy to see me.

What The Heck...

2004-11-28T02:20:00.000-08:00

A down-and-out unemployed person wins the lottery. A woman who went through a bad break-up writes a successful book being published by Simon & Schuster. It's not like I need the whole 13 million possible winnings in Wednesday's draw... I'll share! I'll share with 13 other people... before taxes even! All I want is to be solvent, not worry about money, and to upgrade to a new 19" G5 Mac. IS THAT TOO MUCH TO ASK, LOTTERY GODDESS?

A Time of Balance

2004-09-16T03:34:00.000-07:00

September 21st is coming up... the Autumnal equinox. Harvest, setting things aside for the Winter, when they can grow again in the Spring. A time of balance. At least it comes after Mercury turned direct... this retrograde was perfectly awful!

Another birthday. Ho hum. Between the job situation and the health of my family, the only thing that occured on Monday that really cheered me up was the card from Randy. Almost cried when I saw it in the mailbox. What a sweetheart.

Been giving some thought to what I can do on the 21st to honor the season of balance and create some balance in my life. Goddess knows I need it.

Toward Mabon

2004-09-10T19:02:00.000-07:00

My step-father's been diagnosed with lung cancer... apparently a very rare kind as well. I'm not sure if that's good or bad. Also, they've found a tumor marker in his liver. That's apparently not good. Guess I better start lining up airline reservations...

What would be ideal is to cover three long-distance traveling opportunities in one trip... Home for a visit, Neal's wedding, and the conference in Iceland. But without the bonus promised us from Pride... now several weeks overdue, and without a signed contract from the Love Parade, I can't consider the latter choice.

Going to get tools together for a ritual with the coming equinox, try to create some balance in my life.

Triple Threat

2004-09-05T01:50:00.000-07:00

What a week... actually, what a year. But thankfully, Mercury is out of retrograde and had gone direct.

My father almost died, my previous roommate threatens to commit suicide and writes her kids emails then I have to move because she's psycho and nasty, my event bonus from the parade committee is now two months late, two of my friends die (at a very young age) of the same liver dysfunction, and my next project has suddenly gone quiet after pursuing me for weeks.

But just today I learned that my father's check is being held by the bank for 10 days -- bouncing everything, the cat escaped and stayed away for 8 hours, and now... I learn my step-father has lung cancer. Bad news comes in threes, they say.

Is there anything more you want to toss at me to test me?

Good Days, Bad Days

2004-08-31T00:38:00.000-07:00

I've had more than my share of bad days... time for someone else to share the load and let me have some good days for a while!

Three bad things that happened today:
- The check that arrived today was 50% of what I expected, and threw off my whole budget for the first half of the month. Sent me into a spiral panic for a moment, and caused a spate of tears... I'm just so tired of the this economy.

- Found out my new checks were never ordered two months ago. Of course, I was foolish to wait so long, especially when I have checks to write in two days.

- A friend of mine apparently won't be around online as much anymore.

Three good things that happened today:
- Peter and Brock loaned me the rest of the money missing from my check, and told me not to worry about paying it back.

- My computer at the new Pride office finally works, since I uninstalled Norton... of course, now I have to hope I haven't got any viruses, even though we're behind two firewalls.

- I'm still trying to keep my chin up, despite the pettiness and phoniness of some people that occasionally gets me down.

I have to not buy into what some people say, even when they make judgments about me. I'm way too trusting for my own good. Perhaps those folks should really look in a mirror first, and see if they like what they really see. Oh, and people? If you aren't wearing a black robe and holding a gavel, you really shouldn't be judging anyone. Me included.

Getting Over

2004-08-29T16:47:00.000-07:00

Admittedly, the toughest problem I have is letting go of issues that appear to be hopelessly unresolvable. No final processing and wrap up between Eric and me will ever take place, and I still feel the need to tell him just how poorly he treated me, when I deserved better. No way to change the opinions about me formed by others, who have not invested the time to really get to know me... and find out if what they've been told is true.

Tilting at windmills, it is. Move over Don Quixote!

But I've always been a fighter and a firm believer of moral rights and justice. Tough not to be able to get that for yourself and watch people you know are so much smarter than that believe what they've been told by other people.

Whatever happened to listening to both sides of the story? What has happened to letting your own experiences with that person guide you, forming your own opinion, instead of letting the propaganda of others suffice? Whatever happened to honesty?