Too Trusting

That's the conclusion I've come to about myself. I trust too easily and too willingly believe what people say, when my brain starts screaming warnings. I wouldn't say I float through life with an innocence and naivete, but I do not always move with caution. I guess if I did, I would have experienced a lot less heartbreak and angst in life, so I've pretty much accepted that I'll always be the one fooled instead of the foolmaker. It's sort of more my nature to be the kind one, anyway.

I've lived that way for many years, and I find it slightly ironic that in some matters, when the red flags go up in situations with other people, I'm quick to react... as in, I warn them of what I see or why I might hesitate, if I were them. My own red flags could be snapping frantically in the wind, right next to my ear, and shamefully I would pay no heed until too late. I feel sympathetically horrible when I've totally called how someone might react or what they might do or what they expected, and then they just prove themselves to be cruel to others in just the way I predicted. But, you know, I can't control or fix or save everyone, nor should I try. I should just keep my efforts to saving myself.

Then there are the people that have tried to take advantage of my assumed lack of awareness, as I can play the airhead pretty well. I recall once, when I was about 11, I went to work with my father. For lunch we went out with a co-worker and they talked mainly about business. I was quiet but, I was definitely paying attention even if my eyes were focused elsewhere. The co-worker remarked on that... told my father that I was a discreet observer and took in everything. And then I proved it by repeating back their conversation.

People think their little stretchings of truth will go unnoticed with me, some have even dared to try to make me believe that perhaps I'm the one who heard things wrong and misunderstood. While I may not always seem totally attentive when talking with folks, what they don't know is that when it comes to matters that are important to me, or things that require special planning or working into my schedule, I know exactly what was said -- I've already replayed it tens of times in my head.

I've often been able to repeat it verbatim weeks down the road, too -- using exactly the words they said. I'm astonished when people will insist I heard them wrong. I know I didn't. So I repeat their words back to them. While I might sometimes miss a joke, a comment, a name, a phone number... what I don't miss is exactly what was said, and how it was said, if it's about something that matters. And sadly, all that does is breed distrust.