Happy Holidays

Saw Johnny Depp in Sweeney Todd today. What an excellent movie! Another role that fits him like a glove. I saw the play in 1979, with Angela Lansbury and Len Cariou, in Boston just before it went on to Broadway, and I recall very little about the show, aside from Angela being awesome. It's a bit gorey, which I hadn't expected. I don't know why, given Tim Burton's involvement, but nonetheless, it didn't overly detract from the film. There's just an "ew" moment or two that caused me to flinch and hide my eyes.

Afterward, Adele and I wandered around the mall, both enjoying the Christmas commercialism and hating the bustle. A quick zip into Barnes & Noble scored me the soundtrack to the above movie. A trip down Bay Street yeilded crystalized ginger chips and sanding sugar from William-Sonoma, for my Meyer lemon and ginger scones. The Bath & Body shop was selling four for three body lotions, so I scooped up the grapefruit-scented one for free, on Adele's purchases! A pause at Harry & David got us a pastry, apple, and cranberry enrobed brie for Christmas appetizers. Then, a snooping at the Teacake Bakery gifted Adele with a big chocolate, marshmallowy buttercream filled "Whoopie" pie, and the gingerbread cupcake in the photograph above.

I couldn't help singing to all the carols and music piped into all the shops...

Catching Up

My friend Susan, and fellow community resident here at the lofts, gave me this beautiful birds nest with glass berries as a Christmas present. Actually Hanukah, even though Hanukah is now over. I couldn't find my freaking menorah this year, and I couldn't find a box of candles in Berkeley. And now I can't find my box of Christmas lights and ornaments! I wonder if the Goddess is just suggesting I skip it all this year, especially since I have like NO money.

Regardless, I love gifts like this, that are put together with love and care. It's currently got the place of honor on the mantle of my faux fireplace in the hallway, where all my other little trinkets are — the Día de los Muertos black sugar skulls, the painted tin corazón, my collection of crystals, some shells and feathers...

Lordess help me... I currently am listening to, and liking, a Céline Dion tune. I'm appalled.

Sweet Treats

A bunch of the Virgos in the loft community here have gotten together to celebrate en masse, but a few of us are gifting each other with little tokens. Pardon my semi-selfishness, but I treated myself to three little boxes from Cocabella in the Westfield Mall downtown, and then got one each for Adele and Susan. Before I could part or indulge with any of them, I had to take this photograph. Yes, the colors are real. That is a lavender spiraled tower, and a glossy dark red swirl. I can't even recall all the flavors I got... chocolate spiced with cayenne, lavender, rosemary; filled with marzipan, hazelnut, pinot noir truffle.

You can check out some of the designs to detect their flavors at http://www.cocoabella.com/index2.php -- although, not every one pictured in my photo is in their "build your own box" shop.

Someone Needs 5150ing...

All I can say is... when you create false situations, harass others, act in a childish and psychotic manner, call the police to complain about "ninjas", and other odd things, and think you're being persecuted by all around you... maybe you need a 72-hour vacation from life.

Better yet... continue to spoof my cell phone number, you major malfunction. You do realize the person you are calling can verify you did this, my phone records will show I did not place the call, and a subpoena to access your records can be obtained in a complaint about identity theft.

Isn't one on-going lawsuit against you enough? How is that going by the way?

UPDATE: 12/01/2007 — He's moved out. The whole community breathed a sigh of relief that the drama is now over.

Drama, lies, and cheaters

July 4th was a fun day and all the members of the loft community that participated were having a good time, that is, until the situations with the psychotic ex-building manager still living in our community kept escalating, much to both the amusement and concern of the other residents. Recently he's been bemoaning that we're all persecuting him, by, among other things, using the freight elevator to move items and furniture in and out.

Now, even if it was in constant use, I might say he could have a point, considering it backs up to his unit. But it really seldom sees more than one or two brief uses a day EXCEPT when folks are moving in or out, which they are at this time of month. The thing is, he totally knew what he was getting into when he moved in, and has had any number of chances to move out and into another unit -- one with equitable space and views. The guy just continues to do things that cause him to lose more and more credibility.

Like attempting to tell people when they can and cannot use the elevator, including jimmying the gate up so the security latches lock it down, forcing people to come up and shut the gate. He's also gone off on them like a deranged person, allegedly taking a swing at one of the newer tenants who refused to stop using the freight elevator. He also tried to accuse me of unlocking the roof door and inviting people up on it... good thing I'd spotted that someone had opened it the other day, in preparation for July 4th, and reported it to the landlord. Not that the owner would believe I'd ever risk the liability.

One More Attempt

To rid myself of the spectre of ex-lover's past -- and put an end to my repetitive, disquieting dreams. Some consider the fact that I still have dreams about them a sign I never resolved things with them. How could I? I moved on, surely, but without the ability to actually face them.

Laurie maintained that I corrupted her and was the dominant one in the relationship -- laughable since my secret is that although I put up a very strong front at times, I can be a total submissive. And she was the one who kept breaking up with me and then pulling me back in, until the very last time, when I saw through her games. The push me--pull me of the relationship finally just numbed me and then it was over.

Eric was just a liar, a poor communicator, and a coward. How do you resolve things with someone like that when they won't talk to you about what is bothering them, and hides the truth? Then, decides it is better to simply stop calling you until you ask them what the deal is, and even then, chicken out on telling the truth. I made it so easy for you, Eric, to simply say it was over. I make it easy for everyone I'm involved with, because people are too afraid to be honest and think they'll only hurt you. News flash, folks, not telling someone the truth and having them ask you about it, only to have you admit it is more painful... and then we're back to liars again!

Maybe I should have told Eric we could have a friendship, but he'd violated way too much of my trust to be worthy of anything emotionally that I have to give.

And I have a lot to give/offer someone, if they're an honest and upright person. Unconditional love and support. Supportiveness emotionally and intellectually. Well-versed on a wide array of topics and pretty darn intelligent. Kind and caring. Thoughtful and indulging. Honest and trustworthy. I've never said no to sex with a partner... ever. Never said I didn't feel well or had a headache to get out of it. Been the aggressor/initiator plenty of times, and enjoyed it when others took the more dominant role. Open to experimentation, learning... experiencing.

I'm also a fabulous cook.

Any guy (or gal) in their right mind (and maybe that's a key point) would consider me a rare treasure, a real find. I don't put any pressure on them for anything they haven't already offered, so if they change their mind or the rules they set up, that's all the more reason they need to be honest, clear communicators. Unlike other (and some younger women), I don't play games or manipulate. I won't make them guess, when I can just be open and tell them. I won't lie or cheat on them. I will give them all my affection, though, and make them happy. But then... people have to WANT to be happy. I can't be involved with someone who prefers a life of drama.

My friend's all tell me, despite the fact that I insist that my lumpy frame is not what anyone would want, that I am cute and awesome. So do people find it hard to deal with the anomaly of me and prefer to date the vapid, blank, hard-bodies who they'll just break up with a few months down the road, when they could take a chance on a true happiness? I'd rather have a year or two with someone I could grow with, than several months with someone I end up growing apart and running away from.

Laurie, I hope you found someone to love. Being abused when you were young and allowing that abuse to continue into adulthood and extend to your firstborn, was not a good thing. You mentioned the last time we chatted that you were in therapy to deal with it. I hope you continued. And I hope that one day you can also see that you were the initiator and controller in our relationship. I didn't corrupt you or control you. You played mind and emotional games with me, always offering, but never giving. For a while that taught me to be selfish with what I have to offer, until I met BJean.

BJean, I'll never quite understand why, given our wild chemistry, that you never wanted to become live-in lovers, although you always cheated on people with me and had clandestine trysts. If I was good enough for that, and good enough for you to actually call me a lover when you were making amends, the only reason why I can think you hesitated is because I was not of the deaf world and you feared that might make being a couple rough. That I can actually understand and appreciate. And it would have been a lot clearer than making love to me one night, and telling me we had to stop the next.

Eric, you were a good person when we started, but honestly... You were a better person when we split and your current girlfriend/wife has A LOT to thank me for! I opened you up to new things and showed you a world beyond W. Orange, NJ. By taking an interest in things I liked, you expanded your universe three-fold. Instead of being the self-centered frat boy I first met, you left a man with a broader perspective of life and diversity. You learned to be an good cook, and found that life extended beyond WWF and foozball. If you could have only been a bit more decisive and taken a more dominant role in our relationship...

This also goes to you making decisions, by yourself -- about us, instead of considering what I might have to say about things. Like being told I might not want a future with you because you don't think I want X or Y in the relationship. PLEASE... future lovers... DON'T MAKE THE DECISION FOR ME. Ask me. Talk to me. I'm interested in learning and you might find out I want exactly what you think I don't!

I'm sorry if this all sounds horribly bitter. The dreams are nothing short of frustrating, and the revelation that I deserve to have someone in my life, someone who can make me happy, has given me a fire inside.

There are advantages to being with someone of my years than someone closer to your own age, you younger men out there. I'm more willing to try or do anything, as long as the honesty and trust is there, and we care about each other. Chew on that one for a bit.

UPDATE: Since posting this, I have not had one dream about a past lover. Additionally, none have called up to apologize either, but, I can live with that. Probably better than they do. Garbage out, as they say.

Too Trusting

That's the conclusion I've come to about myself. I trust too easily and too willingly believe what people say, when my brain starts screaming warnings. I wouldn't say I float through life with an innocence and naivete, but I do not always move with caution. I guess if I did, I would have experienced a lot less heartbreak and angst in life, so I've pretty much accepted that I'll always be the one fooled instead of the foolmaker. It's sort of more my nature to be the kind one, anyway.

I've lived that way for many years, and I find it slightly ironic that in some matters, when the red flags go up in situations with other people, I'm quick to react... as in, I warn them of what I see or why I might hesitate, if I were them. My own red flags could be snapping frantically in the wind, right next to my ear, and shamefully I would pay no heed until too late. I feel sympathetically horrible when I've totally called how someone might react or what they might do or what they expected, and then they just prove themselves to be cruel to others in just the way I predicted. But, you know, I can't control or fix or save everyone, nor should I try. I should just keep my efforts to saving myself.

Then there are the people that have tried to take advantage of my assumed lack of awareness, as I can play the airhead pretty well. I recall once, when I was about 11, I went to work with my father. For lunch we went out with a co-worker and they talked mainly about business. I was quiet but, I was definitely paying attention even if my eyes were focused elsewhere. The co-worker remarked on that... told my father that I was a discreet observer and took in everything. And then I proved it by repeating back their conversation.

People think their little stretchings of truth will go unnoticed with me, some have even dared to try to make me believe that perhaps I'm the one who heard things wrong and misunderstood. While I may not always seem totally attentive when talking with folks, what they don't know is that when it comes to matters that are important to me, or things that require special planning or working into my schedule, I know exactly what was said -- I've already replayed it tens of times in my head.

I've often been able to repeat it verbatim weeks down the road, too -- using exactly the words they said. I'm astonished when people will insist I heard them wrong. I know I didn't. So I repeat their words back to them. While I might sometimes miss a joke, a comment, a name, a phone number... what I don't miss is exactly what was said, and how it was said, if it's about something that matters. And sadly, all that does is breed distrust.

Enough!

Christ, yet another "ex" dream this morning, and still the same crap. It just parallels the bad side of what was our relationship. Nothing good about the relationship is really remembered, which makes me wonder... Was any of it ever really good? If there was no communication, no fidelity, and a lack of honesty, (on his part) what was real and good about the relationship?

Again Eric invades my dreams. It starts with me running around town, shopping for something special, for me... for us... for something happening soon... because, damn it, that's just the way I am -- true to character. I go out of my way to plan and make something nice and pleasing. The town I walk around in is never someplace I recognize. It's always tall buidlings, and it's either always gray and threatening to rain or just feels like the beginning of dusk. It's more Manhattan than Boston or Philadelphia or Washington DC or San Francisco... or some of the other 20+ cities I have visited. But still, it's not New York. And one building had three main points that either take you to (I don't know how) or represented parts of Alaska, but one was the northernmost part of the state, one was the southernern most, and who knows about the third. And yeah, you'd get off the elevator and be there, but that's another whole side thing. In the dream I never go to the destinations. This is beginning to sound, oddly, like text book Freudian. (More about my dislike of Freudian therapists later.)

Anyway, I'm riding up and down the elevator... okay, this symbolic stuff is beginning to crack me up... I'm running from here to there, all excited, and Eric calls me up on my cell phone. We chat for a bit and it's apparent we've had another miscommunication about our plans. This was pretty typical in our relationship, too, so the fact it occurs in our dreams is no shocker. We would agree what train and what stop I would take, to meet up so I could get a ride home, and either I was so into my work that I misunderstood, or the info would fly out of his distracted brain and he'd just remember what he wanted to. So I'd be standing at the South San Francisco station at 7:30 pm, in the dark and rain, and he'd be so busy on the computer flirting with Amanda or Carol, or talking with them on phone instead of answering my bazillion "Where are you?" calls, that I'd wind up taking a cab home.

Sorry, derailed there from that dream again... so he blurts out that I can meet him for dinner at this place, with his new girlfriend. WTF? New girlfriend? Before he's even told the old one he's been living with that they should break up? Okay, talking about this makes me see the parallels. I stand there on the street, trying to be brave and nonchalant. Trying to keep that snarky, hurt tone in my voice and trash him for how he's been disrespectful to me and a coward, instead of doing the girly cry thing. And then... I fail. I start to cry and within seconds I'm in full-blown, rib cage-wracking sobs and people are walking past me on the street. Way past my crouched figure near the curb crying my heart out.

Then, like an ass, I've agreed to meet them for dinner! WTF again? Am I really that much of a masochist? Now, instead of the dream being just funny and ludicrous, it's just... stupid and annoying. I go to the restaurant and they aren't there... they're someplace else. I did NOT misunderstand where to meet. But, I do see some interesting little soup or appetizers bowls made out of lemon-grassed rice... sort of free form on the outside with a cup bottom-shaped indent in the center for soup or snack. I make a lucid mental note that this would look fascinating at my next dinner party, in my non-dream world. Always the designer, the artist, the hostess, the chef!

It's now night and I'm going to their new apartment. Why am I doing this? Ironically, though I think the dream is in color, I and everyone else are dressed in black. At least I have a sexy black lace dress on and I look hot in it. Hey... it's my dream, remember? I enter the place, but I don't see them, then I exit for a moment and come back. Someone is looking in the window... the apartment is a storefront. Those of you with dream symbology and analyzing skills must be having a field day! I'm glad I can provide entertainment! I snap at the person looking in and ask them if it's their place or are they just being nosy, and they say no and leave.

At this point, I wake myself up because, I'm just done with this dream. I wake up and get out of my nice, warm bed grudgingly, because to lie there and tempt sleep more, and continue the dream, is not an option I want to take. So I do the one thing I know will make me happy instead... I go downstairs and pad in my bare feet along the warm, worn maple floors, over to the living room loft windows and watch the sunrise. Even though the blanket of clouds is low, it rises high enough above the horizon line to allow for a beautiful play of colors as the sun begins its climb.

And... Chris is there, already awake, finding me as the tendrils of the dream begin to recede.

Disturbing Dreams

I was telling Chris about my recent most disturbing dream. Actually, the dream in and of itself wasn't that bad... it was my mood upon waking and that it's a dream about my ex's Eric and/or Laurie. Why? I consider them resolution dreams, but... what am I resolving? I let go of Laurie a long time ago, after years of mind games and game-playing with my emotions. And Eric... I got over feeling angry when I thought of him.

So why... why did I have this dream the other night? It's not near any important date or event... what do I need to resolve, Goddess? Could you not find a BETTER way to illustrate than giving me dreams where I keep experiencing the negative things about the relationships? Trust me... I'm over them!

Goddess, I swear, I have better self esteem! I might not be a top model, and as Elle Woods would say, "...she's not completely unfortunate looking." I think I have a good personality. I know I'm a lover who is giving, game, and good! I like to keep my partner happy and please them. I live to serve... oh wait, that's what my character in GemStone IV says.

Please... can these dreams stop now? I know they're rare, but... could they just stop altogether? Please? I'd like some dreams about the more generous and loving people in my life, thanks!

Relationships Redux

Brandy, who you have read about here before, and I have some pretty great conversations. Now that the drama of her living situation and life no longer cloud everything, including our friendship, we've spent a lot of time talking about our choices in the last year or so.

One of the biggest revelations for her has been to put her primary relationship into perspective. Primary, because although he's married, she focused her main energies on him, which wasn't really leaving her open for new opportunites, or the chance to really be happy with someone else that would give her a relationship that wasn't built on clandestine meetings, half-truths, and manipulations. Instead, she's felt like she's a bit disrepected and holds the runner-up position in his life.

I'd thought it was finally over, because she up and ended it the day after Christmas -- a decision she made when she finally realized that she wasn't special enough to him to be... special. I was shocked when she told me. Years of this struggle internally and suddenly she turned a corner! But her resolve hasn't completely lasted. He called, cried, apologized, wooed... and back she is again. I sighed heavily when she told me they were rendezvousing next week, which is what prompted our conversation tonight.

We had a good get-together over some dinner, a perfect foil to muse and ponder why she is settling for being second best, and why it isn't preferable to be first in someone's life. What keeps her from ending it and taking that risk with someone else? Ironically, this seems to be a popular theme this month. I need almost two hands to count the number of people currrently involved in relationships that are not reciprocal.

She talked about them being possible soulmates, having a connection that has grown over the years, even though perhaps they've only been together a half a dozen or so times. But he's told her he's not leaving his wife, that he loves his wife and they have a life together. And so, she's caught in this cyclic dance where their relationship is this off and on again thing, and each time she comes away a little more hurt and wishing for something more. It's hard to stand by and watch this, and after a point I feel I can say no more... she has to find her strength, and she has to make the best decision for her.

Recently he's rather insensitively told her about his other exploits, under the guise of saying, hey, without the confidence you've given me with your love and adulation, making me feel all young and sexy, I would never have had the courage to do this or that [sexually]. She was a bit taken aback. I think disgusted, too, when she learned some of the details.

But... back she goes and I can only hope she's building a stronger shield around her heart this time.

And me? Well, recent events have left me open to opportunity and a desire to explore, and yes, that even includes a new willingness to try some [sexual] experimentation I wasn't ready for before.

Am I?

Heh. So Babs posted a comment about me being a romantic. Yes... my secret is out, I am a romantic! Hopefully, I'm also a realist. I'm the kind of woman who remembers details about lover. I might not remember that he told me something about his job yesterday, because I'm more focused on how he is saying it, so I can sense his moods and needs. And then later, I can offer him something to help balance out his day, relax him, bring him peace and happiness.

I know his favorite color, movie, dinner, book, music... and everything I hope will make for treating him with a luxury he deserves. It's more about what he needs than what I need -- as it always has been when I've given my heart -- because my experience is that when you give, you receive.

What Do I Know?

Well, I think that I know all relationships are work. I don't believe you fall in love and that magical feeling of limerence will last forever, but I have friends that do and are either naiive or foolish in their thinking. I know some people blindly believe that true love will result in an effortless companionship that is perfectly in sync all the time. That's a nice fantasy! It happens in movies and books all the time. Unfortunately, it's also pap passed down to a society eager to believe it.

As a result, they're unhappy with themselves and with others, and begin to imagine, compare, or reminisce about what might have been or could be instead of investing in what is. If in a relationship, they fail to make something that they once felt was worthwhile into something more precious, or simply give up, because of this unrealistic view and often end up commiting some disrespectful act that hurts the very people they claim to care about. They give up a rare coin for a chance at what might be nothing more than a chest of fool's gold, which is sad.

I don't know what to tell them that they'll be able to hear, when the sad and/or tearful calls come in. They're convinced something is missing... well, yes there is. Effort. Communication. Patience. Understanding. Committment. As a friend, it's difficult to watch someone you care about turn away from someone they said they loved, superficially filling the holes with someone else or moving onto the next flirtation and objet de coeur -- to get their needs met. They are doomed to repeat this pattern like the repairing of karma in future incarnations, until they learn... and lose.

Then there are people like me. Willing to trust so easily, giving from the first spark, caring, supportive, and attentive. The work to maintain a relationship is neither a scary or insurmountable task. We expect there will be good, and bad, times and accept our responsibility and role in that. We hope we're wise enough to know when to give our lovers the space they need, and when not to withdraw so much that they feel you've abandoned them. We'll take your dark, bad moods and try to make them sunny, or just let you stew... as long as you communicate if it's something we've said or done, or not, so patience and understanding is key.

What do people like me expect in return? Well, aside from intimacy, we just want to make you smile, and for you to make us smile in return. Laughter and light whenever possible -- the bad times are a given and hopefully rare. Never having to ask if you care about or love us. To be your first thought in the morning and last thought at night... and sometimes in between.

How I thrill when my phone rings when you're just getting started with your day in the morning, and warm to hear your voice at the end of the night.

This is for Jean...

One of those online quizzes I knew that she and I would fall into giggles about:

You Should Paint Your Room Purple

Sophisticated and exotic, purple can also be a deeply comforting color. Your purple room will inspire you to trust yourself more and go with your intuition. Purple has also been known to facilitate healing and a feeling of protection.

What Color Should You Paint Your Room?

Also, she knows I can get obsessive about things, well, when Kathy told me she might look for a job down San Diego way, I was looking through the housing ads on Craig's List. I found the only house within 1,000 miles that had a purple-painted fireplace.

Revelation

For those who have been following my posts, here and on my Myspace, it's probably pretty apparent that I recently met someone, quite by surprise, more than a month ago, and I've embarked down that twisty path that might lead to a relationship. Some of you know that after the ultimate betrayal, disrespect, and lies I experienced with Eric, I swore it would likely be a cold day in hell before I took this trip again. I didn't mean it, but... it's what you say, you know.

Well, it looks like I bought a ticket. Question is... is it a one-way or roundtrip? Not knowing the destination can be scary, or it can be an adventure. The latter has always been my style -- traveling to the Yucatan alone, knowing only five words in Spanish, and to some of the more remote sections of the peninsula. Exploring New Mexico, Native American pueblos, and Anasazi ruins by myself, with just a rental car and a well-marked map. Breaking away at conferences to walk around in towns I've never visited. I like to see what's new. Apparently that carries through with people.

Though the adventure began in December, the previous weekend we explored it further. Chris and I share so much in common that sometimes it's freakily uncanny. Of course, both having been hurt by ex-loves in similar ways gives us an immediate common ground, and hopefully it's a lesson we've both learned that is not to be repeated. Both of us having been involved with people who have lied and disrespected us, as well as themselves (and their current partners) makes us wary. But we're also very loving and trusting too.

Our likes and dislikes criss-cross like meridians intersecting at key points. I'm surprised with the ease I find in our talking and being together, his voice a soothing balm for my frazzled days and sweet lullabye for my nights. And damn if we don't fit so well together when making love that I could not stop from remarking, very often, how right it felt... so different than with those in my past.

A small voice inside whispers loudly, "Too soon, too soon..." while another urges me to be open to possibilities and take a chance. All I can do is put my faith and trust in that which guides me, and not let my concerns block me. Or the lies and selfish actions of others who, for their own motives, would wish us unhappiness.

It's been nice to feel awake again, to physically and mentally stretch as though a long slumber has ended. To feel a blossoming like the desert after a monsoon.

Vegas, baby!

But not the way I like it! Press runs at odd hours, however, at least the hotel room is free, whee! Looking forward to the change of scenery though, but after the last two deadlines, frankly, I could use a couple of days and nights up at a spa in Napa or at a coastal retreat in Laguna Nigel.

What is With People Lately?

The sheer amount of people I've encountered in the last two years that have some odd sense of self-importance and self-entitlement -- at least from what they spew forth -- is almost staggering. Where do these people get these ideas? Okay, for some I know it's drugs, or some kind of mental imbalance, or both... and for some it's just self esteem so low, it's below sea level. But why take others down just because you're the one that feels hurt, abused, lied to and deceived, etc.? I've never understood people who put out the "take my ball and go home attitude" -- I've always left with an open heart and willingness to share. Karmically, if just doesn't pay to be selfish.

Also... ick. Brandy's cat, Saturn, just started to wheeze and keeled over, with no precursors. She called me hysterically and I ran over to tend to her and the situation, pacing and waiting for a cab because no one was around to offer a ride at that hour. By the time I got to her door, which actually wound up only being about 10 minutes, the cat was totally still and rag doll limp -- and she was a mess. Ugh. Had to body bag it for Animal Care and Control and put it in the carrier for her to take in... and put the carrier in the car trunk so she didn't have to stare at it all night. Then scrubbed and mopped the floor, packed up all the toys and supplies, which I brought home with me. What a sad day.

At least I had a warm, soft voice to end my day with pleasant dreams.