The Saga Continues

Wow, I went from being awesome roommate and a great friend to a zero in less than five minutes, AND had to suffer yet another one of my roommate's uncontrolled screaming rages as well as personal attacks! Isn't that just awesome? How can I be such a terrific person and then be the worst... EVAH?

Apparently because I wasn't uber enthusiastic about the idea of moving, again, in 40 days, after she JUST told me she can't afford to move (and neither can I), and because I was honest in my concern about not being able to afford another deposit a year later, that threw major ice cold water on her grand scheme where she believes we both need to get out of our current living situation. As usual, it's all about her, what she wants and needs, when she wants it, what's good for her, and not about taking into consideration the valid feelings, concerns, and needs of others.

Here's a clue... I'm not the one having all the issues with the place, the people, or communicating what I'm really feeling! I'm not the one indiscriminately sleeping with virtual strangers because I had way too much to drink or snort. And then avoiding them! I'm not the one calling my alcoholism a "wine allergy" or downing two bottles of wine, alone, in one night. I'm not the one telling my roommate I haven't done coke in ages, when baggies of it have been hidden in a drawer for several weeks. Then later admitting to trying it sometime. I'm not the one lying to my boss about needing root canal to meet my married lover. Oh, and let's not forget... she doesn't like lying... but everything she says is a apparently a lie to some degree! Every potential situation and confrontation is designed around some elaborate fabrication to make her feel good about herself and her lying. Try telling the truth for crying out loud!

She's not honest about how she feels about anything, she's totally judgmental, she's tightly tied into measuring herself against other people and their standards, accomplishments, or material possessions -- to determine how much of a success or failure she is, and she's horribly jealous of what others have or do, if she can't have or do the same! I've never met anyone with self-esteem so low, or a need so great to be something other than herself.

She thinks she's organized, but she's a slob -- I'm constantly cleaning up after her. Actually, I'm constantly cleaning up this place compared to the THREE times she's cleaned anything else here besides her room since March, and ONLY then because she had friends or family coming over. Of course, I did the majority of the cleaning because, boo hoo, she works a 12 hour day and she's so tired. Oh, right, I mentioned that before!

She accuses others of being snarky and manipulative, when she's the Queen of Snark and Twisting Things -- by her own admittance! Yoo hoo, missy... didn't you just admit to me last night that the reason your relationship with Tim fell apart was because you played too many games with him and tried to manipulate him?

I wonder... do you think she even listens to herself when she talks? Nah... if she did she would hear how many times she's attacked me, how often she puts down what I like to do and enjoy just because she doesn't, how often she invalidates what I think and feel, and how often she belittles what I own. Why would I want someone in my life that spends all of her time denigrating not only me, but everyone else around her? She doesn't see it though, likely never will.

I'm astonished at her selective memory.

Does she forget that she told me it was okay to keep sleeping on the futon couch in the living room until the carpeting went in and I could afford a better bed for the sleeping mezzanine? And that she didn't mind me being out there, kind of liked having me out there -- as long as I didn't make it permanent? She even gave me a date by which I could continue to stay down there! What message was she sending to me then?

Does she forget that she was the one who changed the date of moving all the boxes down to the storage area, to accommodate her plans with her friends, to a weekend that I had told her that I would NOT be available? And then when I offered to move some down every night, she told me not to because, being the master organizer, she wanted to arrange and maximize the space? So wait, you schedule everything to meet your needs, but somehow I'm the villain because you rescheduled it, WITHOUT ASKING ME FIRST? Right...

These are only two things on her long list of grievances, despite all the reassuring "I'm not mad at yous, you aren't in the wrongs" she's tossed my way. Clearly she was! Clearly, to her, I was! Clearly she can't friggng communicate!

Well, I will be a victim no more, to her out-of-control screaming rages that are verbally abusive. I think next time I will call the police, because surely all the neighbors that hear her will testify she was verbally violent. Not to mention needing medication and a good psychiatrist. I'm sorry, but I am not cause, dear... look within.

I know I'm far from perfect, and I admit my mistakes and errors, but I would never, ever attack someone the way she did me today.